deepundergroundpoetry.com
stillborn
the right arm of my heart
is already gone
lit off on open road
yet, there is a desk here
one that was not noticed
until now; the stained cedar
disguised in sandalwood resins
laid thick, as lost years
the chair behind it
has a well worn groove
from the ass that's spun circles
continously,
until the gears have ground
then the straight-forwarded-ness
of struggling breath, reconfigures
where the weight of romance rests
and there in the aorta, where
the composer has slipped his handcuffs
is the remedy for times leakage
moving quick enough to surround still
is already gone
lit off on open road
yet, there is a desk here
one that was not noticed
until now; the stained cedar
disguised in sandalwood resins
laid thick, as lost years
the chair behind it
has a well worn groove
from the ass that's spun circles
continously,
until the gears have ground
then the straight-forwarded-ness
of struggling breath, reconfigures
where the weight of romance rests
and there in the aorta, where
the composer has slipped his handcuffs
is the remedy for times leakage
moving quick enough to surround still
Published 8th Feb 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
(I tried lol)
I wuv you light ! But to me this poem is all over the place! How romance and an old chair connect is insane to me. I understand you may mean that you spinning in the chair causes you to lose breath, and heart races , so it may give you a reminder of love. But who thinks of that when they're busily playing in a chair? That's not romantic at all . It's a good poem but not about love . Seems like if you removed the romance part and added hard work and no play to it (or something or the other) may fit a bit better IMO ! The end and beginning are disconnected to the entire poem. It seems that you're speaking of three different things In one. But all in all it's got vivid images . And is not bad if you tweak it up.( Or split it up into three different poems)The ending mostly sounds like it Belongs entirely to another poem!! But yet I could be so very wrong.!
8th Feb 2014 8:30pm
mwah! beautiful gigi... I thank you kindly on taking the time to spill your thoughts.. they are weighed
well, the "romance" is not a love/lust/longing towards another person. it is the whimsy of my traveling soul, wishing to be gone (opening lines, obvious enough)...the desk is really just a device to describe a stillness that I think is prudent for me at this time....don't wanna give away too much if there is anything alive in the thing.. I shouldn't have to explain it if it is in there, so your quandaries certainly make me question if there is enough here, perhaps I think there is more than there is
your eyes are greatly appreciated
well, the "romance" is not a love/lust/longing towards another person. it is the whimsy of my traveling soul, wishing to be gone (opening lines, obvious enough)...the desk is really just a device to describe a stillness that I think is prudent for me at this time....don't wanna give away too much if there is anything alive in the thing.. I shouldn't have to explain it if it is in there, so your quandaries certainly make me question if there is enough here, perhaps I think there is more than there is
your eyes are greatly appreciated
Anonymous
10th Feb 2014 5:05pm
o sweet mister baron o lyte nuther nyce won rM
11th Feb 2014 11:04am
