Shawn

I'm not used to so many pills
They're sitting in the cabinet and on the table
There are a few bottles on the bed.
You're rolling another joint on the clean sheets
They look pale and pasty with the weed spread out on them.
You're laughing because I still seem so reluctant to smoke with you
Even though you know I'm not used to doing it yet.
You said you had quit drugs,
Haven't touched pills or coke in years
You hated relapsing in prison
You hated getting raped when you were high.
But I guess things changed when you got a new girl like me
Inexperienced in life and sheltered for years.
You're in love with the idea of  'purity'
Maybe because you've never seen it.
But you've slowly become obsessed
And it starts to bother me
Maybe it's the drugs or maybe it's us
I'm not sure anymore.

I don't know what pills I took out of  the cabinet
But I feel heavy and tired
And I cut my greasy hair off.
I didn't recognize the person in the mirror.
It's been probably ten hours since you left
And I feel like I'm becoming part of the bed.
I tried to take a bath to calm down
But I only ended up trying to drown myself.
Maybe I was relapsing
Maybe the Prozac wasn't working right.
But when you came home you suspected nothing
You petted my head and walked to take your pills.
It wasn't until I refused to respond when you got worried
You tried moving me but I only rolled over the bed.
You got pissed and went to wash your face.
You nearly screamed when you got into the bathroom
You ran over to the bed to check my hair
My arms
I used your buck knife.
You made sure I was safe, okay, that I wasn't hurt.
But I was dead inside.

You made friends with the crackheads on the top floor
The career felon next door
And the entrepreneur who found me when you were drunk.
They all come to our room throughout the month
In varying degrees of need
Trying to get you a job and score some weed
Trying to get you to beat the shit out of someone
Trying to convince you to give them money.
I don't know them, don't like them
They're big men all wrapped up in their tattered jackets
Why do they all pay me so much attention?
I'm just a small girl who's never been out like this
I don't know the world and I'm so scared.
I just want to stay with you alone
I don't want these people here
Goddess why did I give up on my life and run away with you?

You start leaving for days now
Sometimes you're with your ex, trying to see your kids
But all she wants you to do is leave me
Even if she fucking shot you.
I still get worried when you leave
But I give up begging you to stay the third time it happens.
Eventually I just ask you to get more beer when you come back
I smoke the weed that you managed to save
And I sit and wait for you to come back.
I've memorized the television schedule
And I talk to your mother when she calls
And I even try to invite people over;
No one wants to come.

You won't fuck me when you're drunk
But you sure as hell will when you're high.
It feels more empty than before.
In the forest it felt like we were close, like we were happy
But now you're running around
Getting high and drinking as much as you can
The drinking fucks you up worse because of your medicine
I lost count of how many times you fell down the stairs
Or even in the room.
You even fell into the bathtub.
You wouldn't listen
You kept hurting yourself
And I kept losing sleep when you weren't there
Crying myself to sleep when you were.
I couldn't watch you kill yourself.

When we couldn't pay for our room anymore
You left to go find us a place to stay.
But the manager said you ran away
And I panicked
Ran to our neighbor for help
He said he'd take care of me until you got back.
He didn't.

You never came back.