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man, that 1st line is dynamite. problem w/the 3rd & 4th line: 'figure you out.' 'figure you the fuck out.' see, too similar, repetitive actually. couple more 4-line stanzas would make it solid, but I just like more to read.

I'm glad you asked for critique. keep writing, you got gunfire in you...

Thank you for the feedback :). I'm just sitting here smoking my last cigarette for the night, jotting things down so I don't forget. I'm going to re write and add onto this one eventually. I completely agree with you dear. Again thank you.

I made it repetitive to reflect how it is in my mind. Constant. But it needs more.

ok, that's a good point, I'll keep an eye on it...

Nothing with repetition to drive the point home, to drive the point home, to drive the point home.... :) I agree, there's serious heat your packing in that pen! :)

This is a great start!  I love the concept! Can't wait to see the final product sometime! :)