deepundergroundpoetry.com
Written Then Forgotten? Written Than Forgotten *Rather*
I'd love to be the one that makes you smile
If you would just let me in I'd stay for a while
But I'm stuck on the outside, pressed against the pane
Running my fingers over my scars, my personal mark of Cain
I killed myself to remember what it's like to feel
To regain what in me you steal
With regret I pass unto the drapery on the walls
And with haste on scarred knees I crawl
Into the depths of depression's fortress
Impenetrable... but.... I digress
The darkest of black is in me bleak
If against you I could only speak
Against your body twisted in curious (agony)
As blood rushes forth as in diastole
I murdered you to solidify the accusations
Though it is questionable that the causation
Is so far from the light that came forth
When sentenced to the same fate as before
If you would just let me in I'd stay for a while
But I'm stuck on the outside, pressed against the pane
Running my fingers over my scars, my personal mark of Cain
I killed myself to remember what it's like to feel
To regain what in me you steal
With regret I pass unto the drapery on the walls
And with haste on scarred knees I crawl
Into the depths of depression's fortress
Impenetrable... but.... I digress
The darkest of black is in me bleak
If against you I could only speak
Against your body twisted in curious (agony)
As blood rushes forth as in diastole
I murdered you to solidify the accusations
Though it is questionable that the causation
Is so far from the light that came forth
When sentenced to the same fate as before
Published 21st Jan 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
21st Jan 2014 8:25pm
21st Jan 2014 8:30pm
21st Jan 2014 9:09pm
Your last stanza is chilling and remarkable. I really like how you combined the two emotions ("If you would just let me in/ I'd stay for awhile," and "The darkest of black is in me bleak/ If against you I could only speak.")
I'm really confused about the tone. If it's sincere in the beginning, then bitter; or entirely sarcastic, and vengeful.
It's safe to say I like it but I think I'm missing something.
I wonder if the "murder," stanza is about assuring they (the murdered) will "always," be there. Like you couldn't bear to be "sentenced to the same fate as before." Would that be aloneness?
Please stop me if I'm super, duper waaay off target ._.
I'm really confused about the tone. If it's sincere in the beginning, then bitter; or entirely sarcastic, and vengeful.
It's safe to say I like it but I think I'm missing something.
I wonder if the "murder," stanza is about assuring they (the murdered) will "always," be there. Like you couldn't bear to be "sentenced to the same fate as before." Would that be aloneness?
Please stop me if I'm super, duper waaay off target ._.
21st Jan 2014 11:59pm
As a writer, I try to put the emotions I'm feeling into words. So confused hits it right on the head. I feel just as bitter as I do intrigued, disgusted, ecstatic, etc... it's a whole slew of emotions that I can't exactly make sense of. Though, I would say that there are subtle sarcastic overtones throughout the whole piece. As for the meaning... I really don't like to reveal what it means to me. I feel like when you read poetry, it invokes emotions in you that are personal and you start to attach them to whatever's going on in your life. A revealed meaning kind of kills it, but maybe that's just me. Regardless, I like to leave it up for interpretation. I will say that you're not super duper waaay off target though. Thank you for the feedback :) I appreciate it. Sorry for rambling.
22nd Jan 2014 00:09am
Thanks. Uhm. You're not rambling - I agree with the interpretation philosophy. The mind of who writes these things always piques at me though.
22nd Jan 2014 3:09am
