What The Hell?

Oh my god, what the hell is wrong with me...again?!
Have I lost my fucking mind? why do i do this to myself
I know I’m twisted; just a bit but self mutilation?  
But come the fuck on…really?! not the fuck again...

Can’t eat; can’t sleep; can’t focus on everyday life
Even my dreams are filled with it-this sick fucking need
Every waking moment I feel it, physically…emotionally
This twisted obsession that I seem to be harboring

All my soft parts that I had stuffed way down deep
To keep them safe, clean, protected and breathing
The defensive walls I had built around those parts
Decades and decades of grueling work to build the barrier

Just simply gone like that in a flash? How could that be?
I looked and looked but found that nothing at all was left
My soul and my heart lying there, withering in the desert.
That must be why I feel all this pain…right? Is that it?

Who could have done this to me dammit? Was it you?
Who and how not to mention the why…what did I do?
What the hell have I done to deserve this sentence?
Why do I have to feel anything at all? It’s not fucking fair

People tell me that this may be a good thing for me
That maybe this time it’s different with better ending
Whatever! But that doesn’t really matter right now does it?
All those insecure personal feelings are loose; killing again

Maybe it would end better…Oh, but I’m sure of one thing
I will kill the potential happy ending for myself; I always do
For that seems to be how I roll…”kill it before it kills you”
Isn’t that the way I always protected my soul and heart before?

Well as scared as I am of being hurt by another man…again
I believe I am more afraid of my own way of defending myself
I am scared I can’t stop me from self-destructing. Ha ha ha
Why? Why can’t I just live and breathe and accept the gift

I am pissed at me and at fate and the decisions of my past
I am at a total loss as what to do to save myself this time
From possibly destroying the thing I could maybe have
What will I do when I have lost him from my own stupidity?

Well maybe I won’t mess up this time; yeah right!
Maybe he will never even offer to be the gift I seek
Maybe he is the one and maybe this time I’ll see
See in time to reverse the error of my ways

Maybe one day I’ll will know what it’s like to be
                        …really loved?