deepundergroundpoetry.com
my name….is hate
YOU need me!!!
DONT fight me!!
what would you do without me?
your weak minded bodies are merely my vessels moving me to next human to morally destroy.
i come in like the bubonic plauge leaving a trail of decay
i have the power to leave your sanity in calamity like a double leg amputee trying to outrun a banshee
BUT YOU CANT ESCAPE ME!!
screams of bloody Mary escape your throat.
YOU CANT! BLOCK OUT MY WORDS!!
your screams mean nothing
you tear out your eyes leaving empty sockets leaking hemoglobin red blood at your feet.
BUT YOU CANT UNSEE WHAT ILL SHOW YOU!!
i'll consume your heart with distrust and agony burning the trundles of your relationships as if it was the fine thread of a web,
my goal is quiet simple really.
*unfinished* :(
DONT fight me!!
what would you do without me?
your weak minded bodies are merely my vessels moving me to next human to morally destroy.
i come in like the bubonic plauge leaving a trail of decay
i have the power to leave your sanity in calamity like a double leg amputee trying to outrun a banshee
BUT YOU CANT ESCAPE ME!!
screams of bloody Mary escape your throat.
YOU CANT! BLOCK OUT MY WORDS!!
your screams mean nothing
you tear out your eyes leaving empty sockets leaking hemoglobin red blood at your feet.
BUT YOU CANT UNSEE WHAT ILL SHOW YOU!!
i'll consume your heart with distrust and agony burning the trundles of your relationships as if it was the fine thread of a web,
my goal is quiet simple really.
*unfinished* :(
Published 15th Jan 2014
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Jan 2014 3:57pm
Perhaps for fluidity repeat the beginning lines, and move on to inverted thoughts or the striking of sadness as you go along, or schadenfroida or something personal, personal sells poems. Dig deeper into your emotions and weave the tale like a basket, dig into any emotion you can muster but never leave it unfinished.
15th Jan 2014 4:10pm
ok. i see what your saying. but I'm unsure how to show personal emotion while keeping the idea the same( its a poem from hates viewpoint talking to the crowd ill be reading too) /.\ but i can add more emotion, i think.
15th Jan 2014 4:18pm
21st Feb 2014 4:13am
Homie has a stroooong point. If you want to use the emotion of hate, you should use it the same way gladiators use their anthem music: As background. That hate fuels you and moves through you, which should allow you to address a bunch of examples and ironic musings or realizations you made while sitting in the drunk tank or on the corner massaging your jaw. Something fundamental that links us all but is usually shied away from? Is something worthy of looking at as a complete mountain to explore and not just a label.
16th Jan 2014 2:32am
I agree with C.R.Power if you added my emotion to it or repeat it will improve it. But great
16th Jan 2014 8:16am
Okay....what would be a good way to round it out..answear the so what question. Emotion? Okay
16th Jan 2014 3:55pm
CAPS LOCK hurts my eyes! plus you could (easily?) achieve the angry-face emotion in writing instead of using capital letters. If done correctly, it's beautiful.
There are some interesting bits and pieces like the bubonic plague (this is how it's spelled) and the empty vessel ideas that If I were you i'd focus on more thoroughly rather than just writing a hateful poem.
In addition, work a bit on your representation. You have good ideas but try and develop them thoroughly in each line rather than spreading them across the poem without any explanation.
There are some interesting bits and pieces like the bubonic plague (this is how it's spelled) and the empty vessel ideas that If I were you i'd focus on more thoroughly rather than just writing a hateful poem.
In addition, work a bit on your representation. You have good ideas but try and develop them thoroughly in each line rather than spreading them across the poem without any explanation.
17th Jan 2014 3:27pm
18th Jan 2014 5:37pm
I am very familliar with "louder than a bomb" so I see where you are going with the presentation and I know the types of crowds slams can attract. My advice is to write the poem has a poem first to be read or spoken. Opheliac has some very good advice. Hit up a few open mics and start working on the piece as a performance and make your tweaks and corrections there.
Performance poetry or Spoken word isn't about winning. It`s about the event and the community you are participating in, and the body of work you develop.
This is a good piece with alot of potential, but let the poem come to you.
Performance poetry or Spoken word isn't about winning. It`s about the event and the community you are participating in, and the body of work you develop.
This is a good piece with alot of potential, but let the poem come to you.
