4am thoughts

Sometimes I just want to be alone
Sit back and think
Sit back and reflect

My future, my present, my past..
I always get reminded of how great I am

I'm not perfect
Even with my flaws and all everyone tells me I'm still worth it,
Truthfully I'm just this young soul with so many stories untold,
I'm growing old trying to just know,
anything I can about everything

I'm trying to travel this cruel world and gain insight of what's In sight of other races, other religions, other beliefs..
I actually wish I could be a chef
Random I know but even with that I'd try to be the best..
I want to be the best..
With every move that I make
Every action that I take forth in
Greatness is the best option
.....
I only want this all because I've been through what I believe to be "it all"
And I know there's others out there that probably feel pain from different obstacles in their way
But pain...is pain..

I can't say that I've been raped..but I've been touched..
Inappropriately by a man damn near twice..three times my age
I was only 8..
Cousins who knew better but didn't do better and a fucking stranger who saw me as a piece of bait..

I can't say that I've ever been hungry
But there's been times where I felt that desire for answers, the desire for miracles, the desire for relief...

I've been abused..
And I can't call it what all you niggas want to call it "oh that's just how black parents are"
No..
I was beaten foolishly sometimes so close to death that I could feel it and asked god to just take me...

I can't say that I've ever been homeless or parent less
But I've lived in a place that I can't even call home..
A place that isn't even warm..
And I've had my father deny me or sometimes not even be there..
Most of the time ..
And I've had my mother treat me like I wasn't shit
Like if she could turn back the hands of time then my dad would've never aroused her clit and sexual intercourse wouldn't have been it and she would've never been pregnant ..
I have been broken into piece after piece
I haven't found peace
And I haven't been happy..
I'm quick to get angry
My words sting like poison ivy
When I hurt there is no doubt that you will feel that shit too
If not worst...
I used to get this feeling where I'd rather call it quits n lay down in that hearse..

Damn.
I love hard, I make so many mistakes, I've broken hearts along the way,
But yet I still get reminded of how I'm so fucking great..
I'm not..
Writing this you can obviously see that I am my hardest critique..
It drives me crazy trying to acknowledge what everyone else loves about me..
Truthfully..fuck it
I'm just me..

Constantly in a battle with myself
Trying to better the person I know I can grow to be

I want to be happy
I want to trust
I want to be love
Give love and receive love

All these things unconditionally

With every move that I make
Every action that I take forth in
Greatness is my only option!