deepundergroundpoetry.com
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If I could have any future I chews these lips
Pavement cracked, cracked glass, soles worn out.
A walk so tall, I saw you everywhere.
Saw me in half. Saw you whole again.
Saw you on a rose bed, six square of garden,
Lain on a starched sheet stretched to the end
Wrestling the anger of your dead mum out of you
Delicate as deep, this pear so cool and sweet.
This dripping juice runs down my arms to the pits.
Pavement cracked, cracked glass, soles worn out.
A walk so tall, I saw you everywhere.
Saw me in half. Saw you whole again.
Saw you on a rose bed, six square of garden,
Lain on a starched sheet stretched to the end
Wrestling the anger of your dead mum out of you
Delicate as deep, this pear so cool and sweet.
This dripping juice runs down my arms to the pits.
Published 15th Dec 2013
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Anonymous
15th Dec 2013 7:42pm
I like your playful use of language here and there. At first "chews" looked like a grammatical mistake, but I smiled when I realised its purpose. "Saw/saw" and "pits" are also great, especially the latter, which makes that last line simulatenously sweet and disgusting. The imagery's a bit limp and there's not much texture beyond those linguistic games, so I'd recommend focusing a bit more on creating a rich, unique look to your poems. That's only my opinion, though.
15th Dec 2013 7:59pm
Thanks BrownJenkin - really appreciate all these comments especially on texture.
Please note though sir, there was nothing disgusting about those pits - they were a true delight!
Please note though sir, there was nothing disgusting about those pits - they were a true delight!
Anonymous
16th Dec 2013 12:09pm
ha! Maybe my reaction to those pits was just my prudery.
16th Dec 2013 9:38pm
16th Dec 2013 11:30pm
Really liking the double meanings... Melancholy and playful at the same time.
More of this, it's a winner!
More of this, it's a winner!
17th Dec 2013 00:39am
4th Aug 2016 5:23pm
Yoive truly stolen the beatings
of my rivaling heart rivets ..
Omy word, I needed to consume
compassion and fragrant powerful
ponders.. .so provocatively
passionate that it stings.
Fulfilling and worthy
-Howlings
of my rivaling heart rivets ..
Omy word, I needed to consume
compassion and fragrant powerful
ponders.. .so provocatively
passionate that it stings.
Fulfilling and worthy
-Howlings
5th Aug 2016 9:23pm
