deepundergroundpoetry.com
SALT
Then give your cold feet
To my body heat and give my lips
A parting petal in the snow.
Give way to full weight
As hips lift, stars light in dark pits
And hunger surrenders to, to and fro.
And words I mouthed in water
Beat tattoo upon your body
Petals pressed in linen sheets
Pressed against a mirror.
And pestle born of mortar,
Leaves salt upon the snow.
To my body heat and give my lips
A parting petal in the snow.
Give way to full weight
As hips lift, stars light in dark pits
And hunger surrenders to, to and fro.
And words I mouthed in water
Beat tattoo upon your body
Petals pressed in linen sheets
Pressed against a mirror.
And pestle born of mortar,
Leaves salt upon the snow.
Published 15th Dec 2013
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likes 5
reading list entries 3
comments 8
reads 1036
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The author encourages honest critique.
15th Dec 2013 11:49am
15th Dec 2013 12:01pm
Anonymous
- Edited 15th Dec 2013 10:17pm
15th Dec 2013 9:59pm
Very Lovely, stimulating visuals. :)
Stanza 2 needs to follow present tense (as in stanza 1).
Thusly:
Words I mouth in water
Beat tattoo upon your body.
Petals pressed in linen sheets
Press against a mirror.
The last 2 lines are present tense and good
but perhaps change "born" to another word, and substitute "and" with an adjective. ("Red" is just my suggestion; Internal rhyme with "spreads", instead of "leaves".) :)
Thusly:
Red pestle, grinding mortar,
Spreads salt upon the snow.
Stanza 2 needs to follow present tense (as in stanza 1).
Thusly:
Words I mouth in water
Beat tattoo upon your body.
Petals pressed in linen sheets
Press against a mirror.
The last 2 lines are present tense and good
but perhaps change "born" to another word, and substitute "and" with an adjective. ("Red" is just my suggestion; Internal rhyme with "spreads", instead of "leaves".) :)
Thusly:
Red pestle, grinding mortar,
Spreads salt upon the snow.
15th Dec 2013 10:14pm
29th Jul 2016 5:58am
Osweetfreakingmothergodsandsaints
this is intense, delicately fulfilling,
..I love the pleasing textures you
provide here
wow
-owlings
.
this is intense, delicately fulfilling,
..I love the pleasing textures you
provide here
wow
-owlings
.
29th Jul 2016 7:44am
Anonymous
29th Sep 2016 6:34pm
I had to read your first masterpiece ..My god, Whale, you are and by what I have read so far. Pure poetic magic.
✨Always Peace Trish
✨Always Peace Trish
19th Mar 2017 5:13pm
