deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lost
I never really knew why all the finger point at me.
I never really knew why all the answers come so violently.
I've watched a thousand times, I've seen it in his eyes.
The petty looks that he gives, as he spills.
I love the lies.
I don't know what is left.
I don't know what to do.
And all I feel is lost whenever I'm thinking of you.
These feelings tear at me, I'v got to break away.
Have you ever had to die a little bit each day?
I'm lost again, it's all for you.
I'm lost yet again, and it's all for you.
Now my time is up.
It's time for me to chose.
Between the salvation and emotions that you abuse.
It's best to be alone in times of pain so no one sees.
Not a heart is left, just ink from blackened memoires.
Would you recall those days?
All those of which we shared?
Hold a place for memories and burdens that you bear.
And should I hate you know?
For all this travasty?
Or should I love you more and bend my eyes so I can see?
I'm lost again, it's all for you.
I'm lost once more again, and it relentlessly is because you.
I can't go on.
Living like this.
I won't go on.
Feeling like this.
I'm lost perpetually, and it's still all for you.
I never really knew why all the answers come so violently.
I've watched a thousand times, I've seen it in his eyes.
The petty looks that he gives, as he spills.
I love the lies.
I don't know what is left.
I don't know what to do.
And all I feel is lost whenever I'm thinking of you.
These feelings tear at me, I'v got to break away.
Have you ever had to die a little bit each day?
I'm lost again, it's all for you.
I'm lost yet again, and it's all for you.
Now my time is up.
It's time for me to chose.
Between the salvation and emotions that you abuse.
It's best to be alone in times of pain so no one sees.
Not a heart is left, just ink from blackened memoires.
Would you recall those days?
All those of which we shared?
Hold a place for memories and burdens that you bear.
And should I hate you know?
For all this travasty?
Or should I love you more and bend my eyes so I can see?
I'm lost again, it's all for you.
I'm lost once more again, and it relentlessly is because you.
I can't go on.
Living like this.
I won't go on.
Feeling like this.
I'm lost perpetually, and it's still all for you.
Published 4th Feb 2011
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4th Feb 2011 5:25am
...this feels a bit fat to me...would like to see you carve out the words that aren't needed, and work on the tenses, as they jump around a bit and confuse the read...like this...
I never knew why the finger pointed at me.
never knew why all the answers came so violently.
watched a thousand times, saw it in his eyes.
petty looks he gives, he spills.
I love the lies.
don't know what's left.
don't know what to do.
lost, whenever I'm thinking of you. (you keep swapping between 'you' and 'him'...tricky to read)
feelings tear me, got to break away.
Have you ever had to die a little bit each day?
I'm lost again
it's all for you. ('you' or 'him'?...see what I mean?
(only my opinion, of course, and no harm intended :-)
I never knew why the finger pointed at me.
never knew why all the answers came so violently.
watched a thousand times, saw it in his eyes.
petty looks he gives, he spills.
I love the lies.
don't know what's left.
don't know what to do.
lost, whenever I'm thinking of you. (you keep swapping between 'you' and 'him'...tricky to read)
feelings tear me, got to break away.
Have you ever had to die a little bit each day?
I'm lost again
it's all for you. ('you' or 'him'?...see what I mean?
(only my opinion, of course, and no harm intended :-)
4th Feb 2011 8:25am
May come out a little odd coming from a new member receiving a review on her first entry, but I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read my submission and supplying me with quality editing tips for possible revising in the near future. When this piece was under construction there was a certain rhythm repeating itself in my head? Easy to imagine for me, but can see where it's asking a little too much of others to be aware the same tune. Thank you again for taking the time you did to read my entry.
