deepundergroundpoetry.com
Deceit
Ah deceit, you wicked bastard
creeping up uninvited, as always
no one sees you coming
none will know when you’re gone
your delicious lies stay but for an instant
and here still, you find a cue
to salt the exposed wounds.
You were never missed
your many forms, vibrant faces
the infamy and calumny
stories unchecked and forgotten
buried under the moniker of bygones.
Yet the scars remain,
deep cuts betrayal, but never fills.
The entrusted deceiver
your snake in the grass
silence is deadlier than a sharp tongue
this venom cannot drown a writhing heart
hope, kindling another tragedy
the reasons are always above par
emotions run amuck on monkey bars.
The tongue blackens every time
you sever the threads which bind loyalty
leaving the void to suck away the remains
into a crushing dark abyss
the face carries a smile that never fades
the heart has long since withered to naught
now, it cheats itself to bitter death.
creeping up uninvited, as always
no one sees you coming
none will know when you’re gone
your delicious lies stay but for an instant
and here still, you find a cue
to salt the exposed wounds.
You were never missed
your many forms, vibrant faces
the infamy and calumny
stories unchecked and forgotten
buried under the moniker of bygones.
Yet the scars remain,
deep cuts betrayal, but never fills.
The entrusted deceiver
your snake in the grass
silence is deadlier than a sharp tongue
this venom cannot drown a writhing heart
hope, kindling another tragedy
the reasons are always above par
emotions run amuck on monkey bars.
The tongue blackens every time
you sever the threads which bind loyalty
leaving the void to suck away the remains
into a crushing dark abyss
the face carries a smile that never fades
the heart has long since withered to naught
now, it cheats itself to bitter death.
Published 22nd Nov 2013
| Edited 24th Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 10
reads 937
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
23rd Nov 2013 1:30am
well penned
write on
peace
Kitty
write on
peace
Kitty
24th Nov 2013 6:38pm
23rd Nov 2013 2:39am
I feel like it went from bitter to desperately sad.
(Or just bitter, idk.)
Anyway, it's really depressing... Good job.
(Or just bitter, idk.)
Anyway, it's really depressing... Good job.
24th Nov 2013 6:39pm
"it's really depressing... Good job."
haha if i had a penny for every time i heard someone tell me that.
thank you WU
haha if i had a penny for every time i heard someone tell me that.
thank you WU
23rd Nov 2013 4:21am
24th Nov 2013 6:39pm
Anonymous
23rd Nov 2013 5:56am
It seems that way. But I don't believe hearts ever truly die ... until that final death.
24th Nov 2013 6:41pm
maybe not... but, when you don't feel anything towards someone you call "best friend" and you've built a monument of lies for them only to stab them with a metaphorical knife in the end, how is that heart alive?
Anonymous
- Edited 23rd Nov 2013 8:28am
23rd Nov 2013 8:26am
First stanza: I like the colloquial language that is used to describe deceit. The fact that you have put "creeping up uninvited" at the beginning of the stanza, really sets up the scene for the rest of the poem. I'm also questioning the use of the word 'queue' and wondering if you meant 'cue' - as in an actors cue, rather than a line that forms. This would just make more sense to me in this context.
Second stanza: There's some great examples of use of language in here with words like 'infamy and calumny', and this really adds a depth to the dimension of the poem. I can't help but think some punctuation might be useful after the word 'bygones'. Maybe a full stop, so that the next two lines become a statement. I think this would hammer home the severity of the scars, the betrayal etc.
Third stanza: This is the most confused stanza in the whole piece. There are several images that are being introduced here. Suddenly we are drawn to the metaphor of a snake in the grass which works well in terms of imagery of deceit. I'm not sure that the monkey bars reference works here, especially as you have just made reference to deceit and emotion as a snake; an animal that by it's very nature, spends most of its time on its belly. 'Amuck' is also supposed to be 'amok' I believe.
Fourth stanza: This is where it picks up for me, and starts to diminish the poem quietly and calmly towards a suitable end. I like the fact you have used the word 'sever' - the definition of this word alone pushes towards images of separation; a desire to be distant from the deceit we are introduced to at the beginning of the poem. There's a lot of dark language going on in this stanza- words such as 'crushing dark abyss', 'withered', and 'void' all paint a bleak image that inevitably ends in the suitable term 'bitter death'.
I like the fact that this poem is very descriptive, and that is a wonderful attribute of this piece. There are a few minor spelling errors, and possibly things that could be tweaked punctuation wise, but that can all be overlooked when you look at the apocalyptic quality of this write. What makes this piece, is the description and the imagery, and because of the images it produced in my mind, I enjoyed this little corner of despair.
Thank you for the read.
Second stanza: There's some great examples of use of language in here with words like 'infamy and calumny', and this really adds a depth to the dimension of the poem. I can't help but think some punctuation might be useful after the word 'bygones'. Maybe a full stop, so that the next two lines become a statement. I think this would hammer home the severity of the scars, the betrayal etc.
Third stanza: This is the most confused stanza in the whole piece. There are several images that are being introduced here. Suddenly we are drawn to the metaphor of a snake in the grass which works well in terms of imagery of deceit. I'm not sure that the monkey bars reference works here, especially as you have just made reference to deceit and emotion as a snake; an animal that by it's very nature, spends most of its time on its belly. 'Amuck' is also supposed to be 'amok' I believe.
Fourth stanza: This is where it picks up for me, and starts to diminish the poem quietly and calmly towards a suitable end. I like the fact you have used the word 'sever' - the definition of this word alone pushes towards images of separation; a desire to be distant from the deceit we are introduced to at the beginning of the poem. There's a lot of dark language going on in this stanza- words such as 'crushing dark abyss', 'withered', and 'void' all paint a bleak image that inevitably ends in the suitable term 'bitter death'.
I like the fact that this poem is very descriptive, and that is a wonderful attribute of this piece. There are a few minor spelling errors, and possibly things that could be tweaked punctuation wise, but that can all be overlooked when you look at the apocalyptic quality of this write. What makes this piece, is the description and the imagery, and because of the images it produced in my mind, I enjoyed this little corner of despair.
Thank you for the read.
1st: well yes you caught that, i was looking for a word that signified the same...
was dumbfounded and settled for that... i knew it didnt fit well.
like i said my poetry is a fluke... it's only after the edits that it really becomes a poem :P
2nd: yup, there was supposed to be a full stop there. hence "Yet" has a capital Y. i missed it.
3rd: ah my play dough. this is what im good at. messing with thought simply cuz i can. the metaphors are all there.
even the monkey bars (on which children learn to exercise as they play and army men run though in training).
it's simple deception. emotions are no longer flowing, but rather going bananas.
and i think 'amuck' is correct, since 'amok' is a noun.
4th: :D
thank you so much for the critique!
was dumbfounded and settled for that... i knew it didnt fit well.
like i said my poetry is a fluke... it's only after the edits that it really becomes a poem :P
2nd: yup, there was supposed to be a full stop there. hence "Yet" has a capital Y. i missed it.
3rd: ah my play dough. this is what im good at. messing with thought simply cuz i can. the metaphors are all there.
even the monkey bars (on which children learn to exercise as they play and army men run though in training).
it's simple deception. emotions are no longer flowing, but rather going bananas.
and i think 'amuck' is correct, since 'amok' is a noun.
4th: :D
thank you so much for the critique!
