Angelic Monster

      You never know what you have until it’s gone. I hate that phrase. It’s the one phrase that has haunted me like the ghosts of those I've killed. It just stays there, whispering poison into my mind, wrapping its dark tendrils of hate and rage around my lungs until I’m suffocating. I scream for help, tears carving invisible scars into my soul that bleed my life into the cold world. I fall upon my knees, clawing at everything, the pain blotting out everything except her. The cause of my pain, and yet my salvation from it at the same time. My angel that kills me.
      Her stormy eyes are shining with tears. I can’t stand seeing her like this, and yet I cannot bear to look away. She reaches out for me, calling for me to save her, but I am shackled by the dark demon in my soul. It takes over, shoves me into the back of my mind, and forces me to watch as it breaks the fragile trust my angel and I once built with love. All the love she once had for me, broken. All those years of love… Broken by a second of hate.
      The demon releases me. My angel turns to leave, casting her ring aside. I cry, lurching up and grabbing her wrist, but the contact burns me. She turns, her once soft eyes now hard with hate and fear. My world suddenly shatters, and I cough up blood as my heart breaks and pierces my lungs. The blood is as black as my soul. I try to run after her, to apologize, but I fall.
      She has a gun in her hand. With all my soul I wish to scream "No!", to convince her that I would never say that, that she is the most perfect woman in the universe, that if anyone should perish, if anyone should fall into the black pit of despair and succumb to the dark whispering of Death, it’s me. I shouldn't be here, I don’t belong. She does belong, though. She can go on without me. She is more deserving of life, and yet I now watch as my angel pulls the trigger and falls.
      The ring… Her ring. Her promise. It still lies there, flashing gold and silver in the dark red pool of blood surrounding her. I pick it up with shaking hands and cry. In the dark of despair, no one could tell that although I was the broken one, she was the one on the edge, ready to fall, her wings destroyed. My fault. The blood still hasn't come off. Please. I’m sorry. Please, please… Leave me be.
      Another angel appears suddenly, calming the deadly winds of hate that flung my broken heart around. She seems so trustworthy, and yet… So out of reach. So… Untouchable. So amazing. So beautiful. So much of everything good in the world. So I stay where I am and blot the emotions from my mind. Not for me. Not for me… Never again. The scars cannot heal, the anger cannot fade, the beast will not be caged. The monster that I am, the black aura of Death that surrounds me, will never taint her. I will not allow it. I may be dead on the inside, but because of my angel’s death, I am stronger. Strong enough to protect this new angel, and all those who are not strong enough to protect themselves. I will never fall. I will never give. I will be their guardian. Their angelic monster.