what a mess

That’s the way we found it5. Did I say w
‘we’?
Never believed I would be seen by your eyes before mine hit the back of your head.  

what a mess. A drunk messed up lonely situation. Just anger and violence. Police enquires and hospitals. Historic damage and persecution still in this present days breath.
I waited on the bus after having drunk far too many drinks in the Old Town of Edinburgh. Nothing seemed extraordinary at this point. I had no feelings of negativity, nor violence. I was only sad and drunk. Sad about the ongoing fact that my relationship with Angela was being torn apart by life’s workings, and that there seemed like nothing I could do to prevent the inevitable collapse. This was a hellish feeling. Like drowning in my own attempts to get my truths accepted, when they were being left on the ‘liar’ shelf. Real shitty. Potentially deadly. You know what I mean. Thoughts of suicide. Just needing the feelings of drowning and strangling to stop.
Where had the light gone? I couldn’t even begin to know where to look at this time. Just standing at the bus stop waiting to be taken somewhere else further away from Angela. Much further away. I didn’t want to be away from my love. My feelings were telling me to go home and see what would happen again, but in truth I was running scared. Running from the situations creating themselves in and throughout my life, my relationships and my world. Somehow it all had gotten really messed up and illusionary. Like living in a life created from  mirrors. Broken mirrors which cut deep into my fears and my needs. My hopes and dreams switching away from me through whole illusions of the happy, contented life I believe I need to survive. I am left with myself. Shattered yet still hanging so tightly onto my soul and knowledge that I am a kind, truthful man.  Feels like strangulation. Perhaps even the murder of all I hold close within myself. A hellish place. Empty yet full to the brim with suffering and confusion. So distant from my relationship with Angela. So far from what I hope wins this war. A battle for souls so it is. A battle for souls.
A few busses came and went. Then it was my turn to hop on till I hopped off. Sitting down stairs a couple of seats from the front. I noticed an older man chatting to a nervous looking young girl so I asked the man if he knew her. Just to make sure nothing weird was going on. Next thing all hell erupted and I found myself being attacked by this man. He had me in a strangle hold, only releasing me when the bus stopped at the next stop him having got the driver to call the cops. As this all happened I just sat in my seat shocked with disbelief. What the fuck was this old bastard on? Anyway the cops threw me in their van without any hesitation. No opportunity for me to give my statement etc. Sure enough I wound up in the cells over night and was charged with assault and verbal assault. What the fuck is this city all about? You try to see if someone is safe and ok, then you end up in custody....bollocks.
I suppose in a twisted kind of a way I was being taken back towards Angela and our relationship because the cells were on my route home. I had been able to leave a message with Angela before I was hauled saying that I was probably going to be detained. Amazing really how predictable these civil servants are. Vindictive, deaf, self serving and blind to the truth. Point blank they don’t give a hens tooth about justice. Not one fuck do they give. The young coppers that lifted me could be heard laughing all the way to the shop. About what I wonder??
It’s this wondering. This ever growing sense of not knowing what the powers at be in this city are really doing. A sense of being victimised by them, or by perhaps just one of them who has crawled out the shit at the feet of the heap into a place of persuasion and influence which affords him the very hurtful luxury of framing innocent people, and banging them up. Thus collecting  MONEY. This kind of creeping paranoia starts to weave its way into your psyche like a poison falling as naturally as rain falls from the sky. This paranoia sends forward its tentacles to burrow through each and every one of us. Killing all we hold dear. Everything. We bring their shit into our homes. To a greater or lesser extent it’s always present. Poisoning love, ruining relationships, killing people through isolation. A real and growing enemy. My enemy.
Having been released still none the wiser, I contacted Angela to let her know what had happened. Then went to a bank, as seemingly I had been arrested without a penny in my pocket. Even the sweet talking processing copper found this very strange. Where did my money go? Put nothing past them. Nothing at all.  
Angela met me in a pub at the Southside where we talked about all the heavy shit going on in our lives at that moment. Even though that moment seemed to be lasting forever, we both knew that one of the certainties in this glorious life is that change is certain. Whether this is healthy or unhealthy is anyone’s guess, but it is certain all the same. So we talked about how we were getting played against each other by the powers at be because we had taken on the NHS extension of the establishment while trying our hardest to get the best medical care for a very close friend of mine. The lack of real, honest, non self-seeking careerists is astounding. It’s all cloak and dagger stuff. Like a hall of mirrors reflecting back other peoples attempts to achieve the same goal as us. Absolutely frightening. So very quickly I became aware of the need to fight as hard as I could in this world of shape-shifters and back-stabbing two faced liars.
Having said that, many of the people in this NHS world are real caring friendly folks who deserve a much better working experience than they currently receive from the powers at be. A greater pay is but one example of this. There is no doubt in my mind about it. Unfortunately it just so happens that the people who wield the power over life and death make decisions mainly based on return. They always hold the money in their thoughts, rather than just saving lives and keeping people out of pain as far is humanly possible. Sadly it is a disgusting sham which needs to be stopped right now if we are to attain the health care we all deserve in Scotland. After all, do we not all pay for this anyway? Fuck the boys war games in number ten downing street and their mates in holyrood. One blast of a cruise missile costs many deaths and at the very least one million sterling. Now, how many ill people could be helped with that amount of horribly wasted money?