he never did

god has been testing me  
knots a noose and watches me squirm  
every two hours  
on the second  
it's a fucked up game we play  
because I know man  
referred to as hanged man boozin  
and I'd like to be a little more creative than that  
 
funny thing is my fat ass would break the ceiling fan anyways  
and that's fucking poetic  
if you think about it  
 
I hate poetry  
and every single poet that's ever inspired me  
the ones I read in solitude  
hunched over holding myself  
branding cigarette burns into my arm  
so I live out the romance of their pain  
my way  
because writing was never meant to be beautiful  
it was meant to be a shameless heartbreak  
that curb stomps you at midnight  
at the very run down gas station you make minimum wage at  
just so you can earn enough cash  
to buy your late night fix  
from some registered sex offender that sells knock off dope after hours  
and writing never shows mercy  
a wondering bystander will always find the body before you die  
pick your pockets  
and call an ambulance  
so the process gets repeated  
 
everyone knows an addict never learns  
 
I tried the sober thing  
that didn't work out  
I think I'll try again  
considering my dealer just got twenty five to life  
it's a tragedy in it's own way  
really  
it is  
cause in a sick way he was the only person I could rely on  
but there's an up side  
a semi positive  
it's brought the family closer  
mom isn't taking it so well  
not like I did at least  
guess that's one more father figure  
gone  
 
the real ones next  
not that he ever was a dad  
but we all have daddy issues  
don't we  
 
I've decided John Lennon is an asshole  
for letting me believe in dreams  
I imagined it once  
twice  
three times  
they all got shot  
and died waiting for the respirator to kick in  
I feel like it was attempted suicide though  
a mental illness that went to far  
and succeeded  
self conspiracies on the self are a bitch  
emotions are a disability  
I should receive a check for that  
but I don't  
and I feel alone  
utterly lost  
damaged  
forgotten  
alienated  
something that was interesting for a minute  
before it became obvious it was trash  
when I think about him dying  
among other things  
like my only friends
deserting me
and that hurts so much  
even more than god waiting for my two week notice  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
but  
god doesn't deserve my tears  
god doesn't deserve my torment  
god doesn't fucking deserve my blood