deepundergroundpoetry.com
I crash, I brake
I crash, I brake,
Oh what misery, take
Dose no one see these peace’s of me?
The tinny peace’s that cant cape with the misery I take.
I crash I brake,
No more memories to make
No more heart brake to take
No more lies to take
I crash , I brake,
Oh what a fate
No more false smiles
No more back stabbers
No more fakes’
I crash, I brake,
So…tell me…
Did you hear the shatter I make?
Published 18th Oct 2013
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I'm just going to get this out of the way.
The repetitive use of the rhymed words are annoying. And to end the rhyme scheme "No more false smiles, no more back stabbers" hurts this greatly. There are so many ways to go about this. My suggestion is to edit or re-write the whole thing.
The repetitive use of the rhymed words are annoying. And to end the rhyme scheme "No more false smiles, no more back stabbers" hurts this greatly. There are so many ways to go about this. My suggestion is to edit or re-write the whole thing.
19th Oct 2013 5:01am
Thank you for telling me. An I thought it over yes your right it is old an annoying. But this is not a free vurse poem it had to rhyme but I thank you bc you gave me something to think about. Oh an the edit an start over.. Well I might idk yet but thank you again an ill keep what you said in mind.
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