to beauty

i am a horrible person

i occupy myself with my own pain because i do not like feeling yours i do not like the way you cry and pretend you are fine so i turn away and pretend things are fine but i can see it when you hurt and you don't know this because i snap at you and pretend i hate you when you guilt trip me and put the blame on me and i treat you bad because i want you to forget feeling hurt for somebody like me and i want you to move on though i am stagnant and will never move on because i want you to forget me i know you hurt and it hurts me too and i just want this to end and i want you to
 
smile

i am cruel
i am cold

i take your words and stash them away because i try not to feel and i want to stay cold because when i freeze and i break the impact is quick and much less painful and i want things to be filled with much less hurt because you deserve more than this and you deserve more than

me

i am dark
i am empty

i repeat lines from songs that sing about death and dark and i want to be rid of myself and i blank you out from my mind because that way i can sleep easier and feel less guilt every time i think up ways to die and imagine how you hurt when we fight or when i forget to eat sleep live i try to stay strong for you but you are stronger than me and i try to ignore this fact so you can embrace it and love

yourself

when you wake up one day and realize how ugly i have been