deepundergroundpoetry.com
Sunset
I stand at the back door
heavily drawing on a cigarette
Watching with watery eyes
As the winter sun gently kissed the horizon
And I want to to know why
Why a normal discussion
Turned into a raging argument
Why the venomous words spilled
From both our mouths
Why had we drifted so far apart
The sun has dropped below the horizon
Leaving just a pale blue band in the sky
A small cloud drifts into view
It's edges tinted pink from the leaving sun
Slowly it drifts away in silence
Silence filled our home
After the slamming of the door
Silence that had begun
With the packing of her suit case
Silence that is deafening when you're alone
I light another cigarette
As the sky turns to deepest black
The sun is far away now
Continuing her journey through the night
And like the ancients I wonder
Wonder if she'll ever come back
heavily drawing on a cigarette
Watching with watery eyes
As the winter sun gently kissed the horizon
And I want to to know why
Why a normal discussion
Turned into a raging argument
Why the venomous words spilled
From both our mouths
Why had we drifted so far apart
The sun has dropped below the horizon
Leaving just a pale blue band in the sky
A small cloud drifts into view
It's edges tinted pink from the leaving sun
Slowly it drifts away in silence
Silence filled our home
After the slamming of the door
Silence that had begun
With the packing of her suit case
Silence that is deafening when you're alone
I light another cigarette
As the sky turns to deepest black
The sun is far away now
Continuing her journey through the night
And like the ancients I wonder
Wonder if she'll ever come back
Published 11th Jan 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
I like your structure and the creativity you mould into it, the picture is wonderful, but the tenses are off. You take us right with you in the first stanza, the second is meant to be past tense, but the third starts a string of mixed tenses, this is "fixed" without changing the style too much:
"The sun is dropped, *now*, below the horizon
Leaving just a pale blue band in the sky
A small cloud drift*s* into view
It's edges tinted pink from the leaving sun
Slowly it drift*s* away *again* in silence"
And that can apply to the rest of the write. Especially the ending, as that's where it hit me most. I don't want to be a prick and pick at the rest, you can work it from that example I'm sure, if you care to. It just might help make the scene as powerful as you mean for it to be. [:
"The sun is dropped, *now*, below the horizon
Leaving just a pale blue band in the sky
A small cloud drift*s* into view
It's edges tinted pink from the leaving sun
Slowly it drift*s* away *again* in silence"
And that can apply to the rest of the write. Especially the ending, as that's where it hit me most. I don't want to be a prick and pick at the rest, you can work it from that example I'm sure, if you care to. It just might help make the scene as powerful as you mean for it to be. [:
11th Jan 2011 2:18pm
Hi jestalessa, Thanks for the critique and you are right it is all over the place. The idea came to me as I was drawing on a cigarette after a long night shift before the sun even rose. I guess my senses and tenses were already asleep.
Made a few changes, please let me know what you think
11th Jan 2011 2:27pm
Beautiful. One last change in the last verse: "As the sky turns" vs. "As the sky turned". Otherwise, she's lookin' good! [:
11th Jan 2011 2:31pm
11th Jan 2011 1:00pm
I agree with Jesta, your imagery is spot on. There's some work that needs doing but all in all I loved the way you used the Sun to describe her as if that's the reason you fought, because you could not face reality. For that reason I really enjoyed this piece, even if it was not your intention I love the way a reader can change a poem to their mental state at the time. Lovely.
11th Jan 2011 2:26pm
Thanks for you comment. Literary Antiquity, please read the reply to jestalessa. And please let me know if it has improved or not. All of your input is appreciated, especially if it helps me improve my writing.
13th Jan 2011 3:39am
15th Jan 2011 10:34am
27th Sep 2011 8:24am
i love how it starts off soft then back and forth with good and bad emotions
