Not again

Too often,
I find myself nowadays,
Praying to the porcelain God,
After too heavy a night.
Finding comfort in the bottom of a bottle,
Whiskey or wine,
A pint glass, a can,
Whatever will numb it.
Unable to sleep,
Without a demon drink.

Too often,
I find myself hitting on Men,
Women that I can't have,
Don't want,
Can't love.
While the one I do have,
Don't want to need,
Plays happy families,
With his ex,
With his fantasy.

Waking up in a haze of regret.
I did it again.
A brilliant friend,
A shoulder to cry on,
Now won't look at me,
Because in a moment of drunken twattishness.
I asked him to be more.
Knowing his wife is away.

That's not me anymore,
I'm past my drink problem,
I thought I'd celebrate with a drink.
Celebrate in the precise opposite of style.
Celebrate by making a pass
At the nearest available commodity.

I've woken up from a good bad dream,
With a hazy head,
Cringing at the text on my phone,
Dreading seeing them,
Dreading remembrance,
Reminders,
Reminiscence,
Dreading 'the chat' we need to have.
Once again, I have a hangover,
Mental and physical.
Not again.