deepundergroundpoetry.com
de(com)pression
she tells me oh how she loves me
as legs lay limp around my waist,
but she doesnt know my faults
hiding behind these eyes like a moth under the skin..
i am only a minor diety among (wo)men
there are thousa(no)n(e)ds like me,
but i have already become the itch
and usually im the one hooked on a substance .
i am a traitor trying to burry myself beneath poe(dir)try.
it was fall outside, but your humidity encased my fingers.
that expression was priceless
and the sound of everything wrong
was right for a moment.
i told you that i loved you..
but im afraid i've lied before.
i want a smoke, but
then i would be breaking two promises
. . .
i used you
please,
forgi(ne)ve(r) me.
11/4/10
as legs lay limp around my waist,
but she doesnt know my faults
hiding behind these eyes like a moth under the skin..
i am only a minor diety among (wo)men
there are thousa(no)n(e)ds like me,
but i have already become the itch
and usually im the one hooked on a substance .
i am a traitor trying to burry myself beneath poe(dir)try.
it was fall outside, but your humidity encased my fingers.
that expression was priceless
and the sound of everything wrong
was right for a moment.
i told you that i loved you..
but im afraid i've lied before.
i want a smoke, but
then i would be breaking two promises
. . .
i used you
please,
forgi(ne)ve(r) me.
11/4/10
Published 1st Jan 2011
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The author encourages honest critique.
1st Jan 2011 2:00pm
i had to at least comment because i love the honesty (even if it's fictional) and the way this is written. i don't even have more to say than that currently...you clearly know what you're doing. [:
2nd Jan 2011 4:45am
thank you :) it is a very personal peice (non fictional) so your comment is much appreciated <3
1st Jan 2011 2:37pm
2nd Jan 2011 4:45am
...is a far tighter work than that I commented on first. Very nicely done, with excellent control and a very creative technique.
(Please take a look at the tenses, as you start the work in the present tense, then jump to a past tense without us knowing why, then maybe jump back to present tense again...cool if you did it on purpose :-)
(Please take a look at the tenses, as you start the work in the present tense, then jump to a past tense without us knowing why, then maybe jump back to present tense again...cool if you did it on purpose :-)
4th Jan 2011 7:38am
6th Jan 2011 4:35am
Your word play is superb like a magician doing card tricks but with even more finesse. Bravo and I look forward to reading more.
7th Jan 2011 9:30pm
