Seeking Escape

I remember every morning but never the night before
I remember every line and shot and hit and whore
I remember every bruise but never the fight past
I remember every deathly day I swore was my last

This was not who I was to become, This was not the man I struggled to create
The background faded away, The proof of truth corroded with fading lines
A coward breaks beneath the weight of his cross, His crown of thorns weighs heavy
He prays to be released, He seeks escape, Afraid of his own past, A shame to himself

I rationalized every failure with self-pity and “I still have time”
I never realized I was headed nowhere on a road leading to your death
I swore it was safe, I swore it would be easy, Still you remain breathless
Upon your deathbed I watched with closed eyes, Unable to face my mistakes

I sunk through heaven and hell, To a place between living and death
I had no thoughts nor wishes nor urge to breathe, I was pleasantly tortured
For every pleasure, I now suffer the pain, For every sin, I now suffer the crucifixion
I wish I could join you, brothers, but there is shame in my death as much as in life

Never again will I allow myself to feel the weakness creeping in
Never again will I allow myself pleasures of the flesh
Never again will I allow myself to pleasure my urge to give in
Never again will I allow myself to be sucked into getting fucked up
Friendship gone, Rights wronged, I can’t have you back, But I will create something out of nothing