deepundergroundpoetry.com
Persona non lookie
Mine is a scrambled, mixed up mess. Yours, is all uniform and neatly compressed.
Mine acts like a tweaker, totally unlike yours. Yours is to the nines, and mine? To the fours..
The symptoms I exhibit are unsound at best. Surely its easy to let your mind rest.
But fuck no not mine, its busy all the time, no rhyme or reason, with rhythm and rhyme.
I zone in on what I'm doing, until that ambient noise, goes, "oh no you ditunt!!!" In the obnoxious black voice..
Then deep in the corner, the cricket starts to chirp, and my beautiful wife, hangs up her shirt, And a flash from being a kid, I saw up her skirt, and the time I got hurt, while listening to Kurt.
What was I saying? You see? There it is. The ailment impales me I scream, "FUCKING SHIT!!!"
The thoughts jump from one, right to the next. Over and over, I feel like a wreck.
A ten car colission, smack dab in my head, its like going swimming, with shoes made of lead.
Its Counter productive, to say the least. Trying to tame an untamable beast, shit I just lost it. Fucking adhd.
Published 15th Jun 2013
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17th Jun 2013 3:33am
Nice rhythm throughout, B, and some cool stringing of words that gives the reader insight into the hell of the ride. "Mine acts like a tweaker, totally unlike yours. Yours is to the nines, and mine? To the fours.." and "But fuck no not mine, its busy all the time, no rhyme or reason, with rhythm and rhyme." are awesome lines and the strongest writing in the work.
A typo on colission which should be collision.
While I like the alliteration I think the line " Trying to tame an untamable beast" would be better suited with a different adjective since tame is part of tamable. Maybe if you swapped out untamable with another 4 syllable word like topsy-turvy, terrifying, tantalizing, or something from the thesaurus that matches the mood you're trying to achieve.
Just my two cents, B. Keep mining, brother, there's gold in them hills.
A typo on colission which should be collision.
While I like the alliteration I think the line " Trying to tame an untamable beast" would be better suited with a different adjective since tame is part of tamable. Maybe if you swapped out untamable with another 4 syllable word like topsy-turvy, terrifying, tantalizing, or something from the thesaurus that matches the mood you're trying to achieve.
Just my two cents, B. Keep mining, brother, there's gold in them hills.
17th Jun 2013 5:21am
Tony, I truly appreciate you taking time to offer up this critique. Your words are respected, brother.
18th Jun 2013 2:59pm
