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Your touch is like ice,
Your grip is like a vice
Your words are a knife
You are my life
With every step you take ,
every move you make
you make me nervous
I don't know which bone you'll break
and send me to my own funeral service
I thought I would give it all
Risk it all
Take it all
Just to fall
But I was wrong I can't take it
I sought out love
Instead I found you
And bit by bit
I began to forget
That our love was a gift from above
That gift became a curse
and what was worse
But I begin to hate you bit by bit
A tad but more every second
But you still take my breath away,
That's more than most couples can say
Too bad you do it with your fists
Not because you're the most beautiful man that exists
The best part is if I had it my way I'd never let you go
You wouldn't ever leave me, you'd have to stay
Maybe with the help of a falling star
We could be more than we are
Or we could ask a four leaf clover
Let's ask it for a do-over
(This one made me nervous, will you be really honest and tell me what you think?)
Your grip is like a vice
Your words are a knife
You are my life
With every step you take ,
every move you make
you make me nervous
I don't know which bone you'll break
and send me to my own funeral service
I thought I would give it all
Risk it all
Take it all
Just to fall
But I was wrong I can't take it
I sought out love
Instead I found you
And bit by bit
I began to forget
That our love was a gift from above
That gift became a curse
and what was worse
But I begin to hate you bit by bit
A tad but more every second
But you still take my breath away,
That's more than most couples can say
Too bad you do it with your fists
Not because you're the most beautiful man that exists
The best part is if I had it my way I'd never let you go
You wouldn't ever leave me, you'd have to stay
Maybe with the help of a falling star
We could be more than we are
Or we could ask a four leaf clover
Let's ask it for a do-over
(This one made me nervous, will you be really honest and tell me what you think?)
Published 8th Jun 2013
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Jun 2013 6:57am
Chrissabella, The honesty of mixed emotion comes through loud and clear here. You've got some real good lines like "I don't know which bone you'll break" and "Maybe with the help of a falling star
We could be more than we are." I also feel that your poem has a good rhythm and flow which makes it easy to read.
In my opinion, rhymes are effective wordplay devices nestled within the body of a poem. They are very important in lyrics but in poems they can sometimes be a bit of a crutch especially if the rhymes are simple which can be construed as clichés. For instance, " With every step you take , every move you make," is a line from a Police song.
I think your subject matter is very important especially given all the attention to violence against women. Don't be afraid to escape the rhymes and use metaphors and descriptive language to mine your feelings. Let it all hang out in a draft then come back to it and edit here and there.
Your heart is in the right place and you've got ink to share. I encourage you to forge ahead!
We could be more than we are." I also feel that your poem has a good rhythm and flow which makes it easy to read.
In my opinion, rhymes are effective wordplay devices nestled within the body of a poem. They are very important in lyrics but in poems they can sometimes be a bit of a crutch especially if the rhymes are simple which can be construed as clichés. For instance, " With every step you take , every move you make," is a line from a Police song.
I think your subject matter is very important especially given all the attention to violence against women. Don't be afraid to escape the rhymes and use metaphors and descriptive language to mine your feelings. Let it all hang out in a draft then come back to it and edit here and there.
Your heart is in the right place and you've got ink to share. I encourage you to forge ahead!
16th Jun 2013 00:20am
