deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Strand of Something Else
Been working late lately, surrounded by four or five women.
This group of eight or ten women alternates each week,
a few of them are young and easy to look at,
but I don't;
too difficult to differentiate friendliness from flirting,
though one has a nice smile, so I avoid that.
I work close to a Russian. A little shorter than me,
lean with hips, short blond hair, clean, good nails. Seems timid.
We both communicate through an alien language, gently
toppling words for awkward ears to try and catch.
She stares while we talk
and I look away. Cowardly.
When I do risk the look,
her eyes are smeared wide and surging
like a nocturnal mammal; she's taking me in -
watching.
One look
at this feral face
and I'm stupid: miscalculating risks.
Before I leave, I put my hand out to her,
"I'm Daniel."
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likes 13
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comments 18
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Re: The Strand of Something Else
Anonymous
- Edited 17th May 2013 8:21pm
17th May 2013 8:20pm
L2 contradicts L1: you go from being surrounded by "four or five women" to "a group of eight or ten". This is a good poem: straightforward, realistic and confessional, with some gentle wit about male inclinations ("though one has a nice smile, so I avoid that"). It portrays men, I think, as creatures fighting their urges in a polite, social more-driven world, rather like a dieter surrounded by cheeseburgers. Maybe I'm attaching my own thoughts to your poem and thus distorting your vision, but I sensed a subtle tension between man as animal and man as human. He who wants to fuck anyone who'll have him, and he who wants to be a decent chap. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read.
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
17th May 2013 9:04pm
It's not a contradiction, just poorly explained. That part's not necessary, anyway.
I'm deeply offended. Honestly. You think I'm a slut? I'm joking. You're meant to attach your own thoughts I think. Find some way to relate maybe. I'll sort that confusion out. Thanks for the eyes, Jack.
I'm deeply offended. Honestly. You think I'm a slut? I'm joking. You're meant to attach your own thoughts I think. Find some way to relate maybe. I'll sort that confusion out. Thanks for the eyes, Jack.
Re: The Strand of Something Else
17th May 2013 8:41pm
@heslop. I do believe that te idea behind fourorfive/eightorten is to show the mounting temptation or perceived temptation. Acourse could just be the literati in me having a few handstands at my logical half's expense.
Anyway liked, liked the tiredness and the sesawing between social mores and just mores ;) which is basically what jack said isn't it.
Anyway liked, liked the tiredness and the sesawing between social mores and just mores ;) which is basically what jack said isn't it.
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
17th May 2013 9:08pm
Like how you read it; do you do handstands in trousers?
Yeah, I was thinking of just locking myself away. :)
Yeah, I was thinking of just locking myself away. :)
Re: The Strand of Something Else
17th May 2013 10:27pm
This is what I think of when I say 'honest poetry'. I agree with above and cannot possibly add anything else of worth except, Great job.
and
Thank you!
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
17th May 2013 11:11pm
Re: The Strand of Something Else
Anonymous
18th May 2013 11:07am
I love how the protagonist here seems so shy and concerned with social rules and has obviously been misread before which adds to the anxiety of actually liking someone..and the intro coming post meeting is hilariously in tune with the rest of the write..my take on it anyway, enjoyed the read.
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
19th May 2013 8:32am
Re: The Strand of Something Else
aha....do wee share a name in the actuality of real-Life?
bless ye sir....A fine writ rote finely about about that interpersonal awkwarditty 'I know'' too fckn well....
just shared a 6 hr flight wit 2 beautiful young ladies from the Georgia that isnot in usOFa....only 1 spoke some ingles....such torture for old fool hopeless[worthless] romantic, g'odd bless them.....gave them each little shell jewels that I collect at the edge of the world....a brief moment sparkle in they's eyes....o, so painfully sweet
bless ye sir....A fine writ rote finely about about that interpersonal awkwarditty 'I know'' too fckn well....
just shared a 6 hr flight wit 2 beautiful young ladies from the Georgia that isnot in usOFa....only 1 spoke some ingles....such torture for old fool hopeless[worthless] romantic, g'odd bless them.....gave them each little shell jewels that I collect at the edge of the world....a brief moment sparkle in they's eyes....o, so painfully sweet
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
19th May 2013 8:36am
We certainly do, saxmann, but I'm more of a stringsmann.
The shrapnel from the edge of worlds, huh? You old charmer. The painfully sweet is almost too painful.
The shrapnel from the edge of worlds, huh? You old charmer. The painfully sweet is almost too painful.
Re: The Strand of Something Else
20th May 2013 1:32am
re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
21st May 2013 8:07am
Re: The Strand of Something Else
20th May 2013 8:19am
This read is so romantically awkward and sweet... especially your last few lines :)
"When I do risk the look,
her eyes are smeared wide and surging
like a nocturnal mammal; she's taking me in -
watching.
One look
at this feral face
and I'm stupid: miscalculating risks.
Before I leave, I put my hand out to her,
"I'm Daniel."
(she is probably wondering if you like her or not) :D
"When I do risk the look,
her eyes are smeared wide and surging
like a nocturnal mammal; she's taking me in -
watching.
One look
at this feral face
and I'm stupid: miscalculating risks.
Before I leave, I put my hand out to her,
"I'm Daniel."
(she is probably wondering if you like her or not) :D
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
21st May 2013 8:10am
She's probably thinking, 'Toast, or cereal for breakfast?' And, of course, it's cereal.
Thank you for visiting.
Thank you for visiting.
Re: The Strand of Something Else
2nd Jun 2013 00:20am
Wow.. ultimate self control .. keep it. that one hand shake alone can be the death of you ..lol. but without it things would of got way more intense to the point of meet me in the copy room 3 minutes.. lol. so good to get it out the way. bows sir.
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
4th Jun 2013 11:43am
Re: The Strand of Something Else
Anonymous
13th Jun 2013 4:35pm
The first strophe made me laugh a little. I had a picture in my head of a guy in one of those confessional booths equipped with a video camera getting a little worked up and flustered, then S 2 became more quiet and conspiratorial.
From my personal vantage point, S1 really isn't needed, the meat and marrow are tasted in the remainder of the piece. But that is just my opinion.
From my personal vantage point, S1 really isn't needed, the meat and marrow are tasted in the remainder of the piece. But that is just my opinion.
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re: Re: The Strand of Something Else
13th Jun 2013 10:25pm
S1 is there just to set a stage for the rest. Don't particularly like this poem much when I read it. Not because of its content, just feels flat.
Thanks for your eyes, Aish.
Thanks for your eyes, Aish.