glint of steel

I sit here, alone with my thoughts.
A battle within me taking place, none should have to endure this torment.
I glance to my hand, at what is trapped between my fingers.
So small.
A weapon of mass destruction.
Wrapped in a sheath of waxed paper.

I peel the corner back and stare, mesmerized by the glint of steel. So bright in the darkness. How can something so small have such control over me? A single teardrop splashes onto the skin of my thigh as I realise I am being overpowered.

The waxed paper slips from my fingertips as I turn the blade over. Enticed by its offer. Weighing barely a gram itself, it offers to lift theweight from my shoulders, as it's brothers and sisters have done before it.
It fails to mention that it is a temporary solution that will only bring about more shame and guilt.
It has been three months since I sought the aide of its sister who drew lines in my flesh. Lines which have now healed and are fading. I'm torn.
I have come so far. Yet here I am contemplating the union of cold steel and warm flesh.
'Just one. You will feel better I promise', it tempts me.
But I know better.
That's not where it will end.
Not tonight.
I fear myself.
My tears fall faster as I resign myself and wrap that little sheet of waxed paper around the sharpness and slip the blade back into the packet.
Still struggling with myself.
I think I am strong enough to hold out. Even if only for an hour or two.
In this moment I am victorious......
'till next time