"Spigotius Dripitus"

Welcome to the party, the lame and the hearty, Michie and Malcolm are delighted.
A few off roaders, a bunch of free loaders and any one who would come they invited.

You’re all an outcast from his nefarious past and this invitation has cast a wide net.
So if you got snared, it’s not because Malcolm cared, it’s because he’s afraid of a threat.

I’ve known him for years through laughter n’ tears. We were wing mates back in college.
Different professions but memories are possessions, we share our criminal knowledge.

I introduced Michie to Mal and he still calls me his pal, so I guess that all is forgiven.
But I suspect in the past, there is a crevasse into which he would happily have driven.  

He was bouncer at my wedding and we’re still on a heading in fact I see no end in sight.
He’s got so many spare parts, he’s way off the charts he’s got doctors at Kaiser up tight.

He’s got double bad knees, can no longer eat cheese, his doc wants to replace his liver.
They want to recycle his hip, tie a knot in his drip, so he can no longer whizz like a river.

Take his spigot and toss it, replace it with a faucet and screw on a little piece of hose,
Attach a little funnel to drop Viagra in the tunnel hide the whole thing under his clothes.

There’s so many metal parts, there’s oil in his farts.  They can’t find a trace of albumin.
He’s gone from a stud with so much wine in his blood to the point he’s only half human.

The airport scanners have these warning banners, they think that Malcolm is a bomb.
One false move on the plane, if they think he’s insane they open the door over Guam.

He might be immortal he can’t get through the portal, there’s metal detectors in Heaven.
He’s got access to surgeons and a bad history with virgins so God cut him off at eleven.

It’s politically correct, The Virgin Mary to protect, and we know the Devil don’t want him.
God’ll string him along for the things he’s done wrong, just to tease him and taunt him.

So there ain’t no forgiveness, he’ll get the business, he’s gonna be around a long time.
You can just bet, God’s not gonna forget, besides you and I need a partner in crime.

Malcolm’s formed alliance with medical science, he’s gonna get a little pig to clone.
A little gene mapping, like grafting a sapling and take a little marrow from it’s bone.

“With new ointments ‘n gels, things like stem cells, I hope my doctors aren’t kiddin’ me.”
“All you do is feed it and if you ever need it, voila!  Let it grow you a brand new kidney.”

I just find it ironic that as he grows more bionic, it’s easier to stay ahead of the curve.
A common hardware store, has new parts galore and the pig can be an hor d’ oeuvre.

I’m a bit cynical but it’s more and more clinical, the whole thing just stands to reason,
He’s got so much wine, he can’t possibly decline, and Michie buys more every season.

He’ll be found as a fossil, architecturally colossal, perfectly preserved like a mummy.
His parts laid out, they’ll recognize him no doubt, with a shit eating grin like a dummy.

I hope I’m around as they put’m in the ground, as his friend they can put me beside him.
Just to see St Peter stare, as we both show up there, he’s gotta ask God to confide him.

But in the time being, you all have to be agreeing that day had better not come soon.
Where would we be, if our wine wasn’t free and we didn’t have Malcolm’s sugar spoon?

I had to go and say it, anyway you play it, we wouldn’t know one another without you.
It wouldn’t be as much fun, it’s been a hell of a run. You’re seventy but practically new.

Happy birthday buddy, your mud flaps are muddy and you got some shit on your tires,
You been put away wet, still covered in sweat and your fenders are held on with wires.

You’ve a life well lead, don’t let it go to your head, you’ve still gotta a lotta years to go.
There’s lots’a wine to swig, we gotta clone that pig. I’m stayin’ for the whole damn show.