(An explanation of) Distractions

An unintentional push
a nudge
a distance
I somehow create
I'd like to think
that you wont budge
but how much can you take?

how cold at times
I must appear
as if I don't care
sometimes
I'm just deep in thought
and completely unaware

when the distance
strikes into my eyes
and it seems like I'm not here
I'm just looking
for safe place
where I can push my tears

in the distance
I try to find
a balance to it all
looking hard
and trying to see
past this built up wall

I'm often lost
within my head
hoping to find some truth
but the things
I find inside my mind
just make me more confused

late at night
when the house is dark
and everyones asleep
and I am sitting up all alone
just taking time to think

I wish nothing more
than to close my eyes
and rest my head with you
snuggle up nice and tight
and dream a dream
or two

but in the dark
my minds awake
and I'm restless in the bed
everything spins around
and nightmares fill my head

I have to try
to distract myself
by staying up late to work
picking through
the things to do
and hoping that it works

long nights alone sifting through
the work
and my own head
knowing you are not asleep
alone upstairs in bed

busy
busy
busy
distractions are at hand
thinking what I need to do
and pushing more demands

anything that I can do
so I don't have see
all of the things
I'm going through
and everything
that's wrong with me

but in the end
what I find
the distractions just defer
I'm sorry for the things
I do
through my actions
and my words

with strong regret yet again
I sit
and scroll these lines
the words
I spill an apology
for about
the millionth time

within my head
and in my heart
these thoughts
strike a chord
a sour note
that resonates
and echoes even more

upon this page
in black
and white
my words are so sincere
all the lines of
blurring pain
turning into tears

I hope that you
can understand
that I'm really just trying
to cope
and sometimes when
I seem most lost
I'm searching for my hope

sometimes I need
to try to be
a bit outside alone
toss in a distraction
or two
because sometimes
they really help

I'm still right here though
it might not seem
that really here at all
I'm trying so hard to make it back
from deep behind these walls...