deepundergroundpoetry.com
Out Of Step
I feel drunk
Im awake and my bones are heavy
a convict with shackled fists
to the most extreme of any would be much too sensational
but yes
I wish to be acquitted
only I am aware of my fearful foretaste
for the mind is the man I plead to
and no other could fathom him
I am denied parole
another beautiful day wasted
Im awake and my bones are heavy
a convict with shackled fists
to the most extreme of any would be much too sensational
but yes
I wish to be acquitted
only I am aware of my fearful foretaste
for the mind is the man I plead to
and no other could fathom him
I am denied parole
another beautiful day wasted
Published 28th Apr 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Apr 2013 12:06pm
28th Apr 2013 12:05pm
Firstly, welcome to the DU, I hope you find everything that you're looking for here.
Secondly:
"Im" in the second line needs an apostrophe.
The fourth line is rather long and clunky, it could do with cutting down or being broken up into two lines maybe just to make it read better.
That aside - the language and story in this is really rather good. It actually gets quite sad towards the end which is something I didn't expect when I started reading it. I actually think that the second half of the poem is much more concise than the first.
It's short, effective and draws you in. Thank you for the read.
Secondly:
"Im" in the second line needs an apostrophe.
The fourth line is rather long and clunky, it could do with cutting down or being broken up into two lines maybe just to make it read better.
That aside - the language and story in this is really rather good. It actually gets quite sad towards the end which is something I didn't expect when I started reading it. I actually think that the second half of the poem is much more concise than the first.
It's short, effective and draws you in. Thank you for the read.
28th Apr 2013 12:13pm
