Julia, My Julia - Part 1: The Unfunny

The roof gave in and I fell straight down. With an almighty splash, the force of the impact was enough to knock me out cold. Everything went black. When I came to, all I had was a horrific taste within my mouth. All I could feel was pain upon my skin, as if someone had thrown me into boiling fat. I struggled to the surface and I emerged from the water. Everything stung and burned. The water stank. I didn’t know what to think or what to do.
 
3 days before.
 
I sat, within a dilapidated room, staring at my worthless face through the reflection in the mirror. The place looked like a classic theatre changing room for the big stars. One that had been acid-washed. The paint on the walls was peeling away, the room smelt like stale paint and the chair I was sitting on had better days. The make-up on the table had been there so long, the powder within the tubs and jars was solidified completely. The containers were even stuck to the table. The door opened with a loud crack and a small creek. A man walked in. His face was drooped and he looked as if he had been up for a few days straight.
“You’re up in 5.”
That’s all he said. I gave him a nod and he quietly left, squeaking the door behind him. My heart used to thump over and over, as the adrenaline pumped through hard. That was the old days. These days I knew the truth and the truth wasn’t funny. I straightened my bowtie and practiced smiling. I didn’t like smiling. I had nothing to smile for. Much like my audience. They didn’t see the funny side of things either. I took the classic spritzer bottle and swilled my mouth. It was show time. Before I knew it, I had walked from my dressing room, onto the stage and had already been introduced. I stood like a statue. Completely still. A room full of people, all at round tables, just looking at me with blank faces.
“H-Hi, my name is-” I was interrupted before I could even say my name.
“Just get to the jokes funny man!”
My nervousness had packed in and I began to shake. Not from my arms though, it was from the pit of my stomach. I thought of the funniest thing I had ever seen. I thought hard. It was 20 years ago, when I was 6.  
 
My father and I were at a carnival. He was never the happy type. He was often drunk and abusive, but at the carnival, he managed to let all that go. This was why I loved comedy so much. We were walking through all the rides and he had gotten me an ice cream cone. He was always nice at the carnival. When we turned around from the vendor, a clown jumped in front of him. He didn’t seem impressed, but the clown carried on nonetheless. He sprayed his flower at the vendor and then, accidentally, dropped his baggy trousers. My father’s frown turned into a smile. He began to laugh hard. I joined in. He put his arm around me and together, we laughed as the clown continued to do silly things in front of us. That was the happiest moment of my life.
 
So there I still stood, in front of this room of people, but now I was armed with a smile.
“So, there were these two criminals in an asylum. One day they figured they don’t want to be there anymore, so they plan an escape. They carry through with it, but-”
Again, before I could finish, I was interrupted. One member of the audiences thought it was funny to throw a bottle at me. I ran off stage with them all laughing at me. I didn’t see the funny side of it.