deepundergroundpoetry.com
His impressive... I must admit...
You gave me the pen and the paper.
You said here, write some feelings down.
See what it turns into.
But you also gave me some matches.
You left so quickly, I couldn't ask one question.
So I started writing about what I felt.
I felt....
Curious, nervous.
Don't know why.
I just did, a bit curious about the matches.
A bit nervous about what I was suppose to do with them.
So I lit a match.
Held it in front of my green eye.
Watched the flame, as my eye started to water.
From the burn of the match being so close.
I rubbed my eye and looked into the flame again.
But this time I saw ghostly shadows.
With my other eye I saw nothing.
Through the flame I saw these people reaching out for me.
Screaming please, get us out of here.
They told me he killed them.
They said he's going to do the same thing to me.
His going to put me in fire and I'm going to burn away.
A cruel man like him lives inside my head.
I'm just waiting for him to take advantage and do what his set out to.
Because I've been sitting here for years listening to this awful bastard.
His impressive though, I must admit.
He keeps me entertained.
But he'll be the death of me soon.
It's funny though because the one who kills me.
Looks exactly like me.
He doesn't even bother wearing a disguise.
Because he knows.
That I know.
It's really me, who see's this shit.
..::-MasterDesignOfAFake-::..
You said here, write some feelings down.
See what it turns into.
But you also gave me some matches.
You left so quickly, I couldn't ask one question.
So I started writing about what I felt.
I felt....
Curious, nervous.
Don't know why.
I just did, a bit curious about the matches.
A bit nervous about what I was suppose to do with them.
So I lit a match.
Held it in front of my green eye.
Watched the flame, as my eye started to water.
From the burn of the match being so close.
I rubbed my eye and looked into the flame again.
But this time I saw ghostly shadows.
With my other eye I saw nothing.
Through the flame I saw these people reaching out for me.
Screaming please, get us out of here.
They told me he killed them.
They said he's going to do the same thing to me.
His going to put me in fire and I'm going to burn away.
A cruel man like him lives inside my head.
I'm just waiting for him to take advantage and do what his set out to.
Because I've been sitting here for years listening to this awful bastard.
His impressive though, I must admit.
He keeps me entertained.
But he'll be the death of me soon.
It's funny though because the one who kills me.
Looks exactly like me.
He doesn't even bother wearing a disguise.
Because he knows.
That I know.
It's really me, who see's this shit.
..::-MasterDesignOfAFake-::..
Published 10th Oct 2010
| Edited 17th Nov 2010
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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10th Oct 2010 9:41pm
12th Oct 2010 9:47am
And I loved your thinking and self thinking. A cultural literature about awakening of self.
Now, I've never picked apart someone else's writing before, but I loved this idea and I think you tell the story so much better than I ever would. I just had some issues with the way it was written and I think if you applied them it would be just that much better; I'd love to see it reach its potential! So don't be offended, this is all just my opinion and I'm fully ready to admit I'm wrong as it's your art and certainly not mine. So here goes:
"But with my other eye I saw nothing."
I think this line could do without the "but" at the beginning, it would flow fine without sounding that slight bit repetetive in relation to the line before.
"...I saw these people reaching out for me."
If you took out "these" maybe? Even added an adjective in its place?
"They said he's going to do that same to me"
If you use "the same" or "the same thing" instead of "that same" it would sound a little more polished IMO. Or if you changed it to "They said he'll do the same to me"...
"A cruel man such as him lives inside my head."
When I read it, it seems to flow better without the "such as him" but "like him" would be okay if you felt you needed it.
And did you mean "He's impressive" as in "he is impressive" and "he's going to do the same thing"? You've put in a lot of "his" and I think you'd meant "he's".
"It's funny though because the one who kills me"
If you took out "though" and inserted a comma instead?
Well that's enough from me. I love the end. You've got an awesome mind for stories. Props and good luck. [:
"But with my other eye I saw nothing."
I think this line could do without the "but" at the beginning, it would flow fine without sounding that slight bit repetetive in relation to the line before.
"...I saw these people reaching out for me."
If you took out "these" maybe? Even added an adjective in its place?
"They said he's going to do that same to me"
If you use "the same" or "the same thing" instead of "that same" it would sound a little more polished IMO. Or if you changed it to "They said he'll do the same to me"...
"A cruel man such as him lives inside my head."
When I read it, it seems to flow better without the "such as him" but "like him" would be okay if you felt you needed it.
And did you mean "He's impressive" as in "he is impressive" and "he's going to do the same thing"? You've put in a lot of "his" and I think you'd meant "he's".
"It's funny though because the one who kills me"
If you took out "though" and inserted a comma instead?
Well that's enough from me. I love the end. You've got an awesome mind for stories. Props and good luck. [:
12th Oct 2010 11:49am
Thank you for the comments.
And thank you for the feedback, if you look I put some of that into my poem. I'm glad you think I have a awesome mind :)
And thank you for the feedback, if you look I put some of that into my poem. I'm glad you think I have a awesome mind :)
