Aways and Ever the Same

Always and Ever the Same

My Father:  I remember the deep deep love he had for me his 1st born, I remember him making me feel so wanted and loved….
I also remember:
“There you go always thinking of yourself”
“You’re selfish”
“Every word out of your mouth is a lie”
“Why can’t you be more like your sister”?
Now since his death I ache to hear even the verbal abuse just to hear his voice again.

My Mother: I remember how she would always show her love for me always on my side or I guess protector from the world and my father’s verbal attacks and the “I love you’s”
Now: nothing and the silence is cutting and so loud it’s deafening.

My Sister: I remember her birth, watching her grow up, babysitting her during the summer while both our parents worked from the age of 8 until 16 when I graduated high school. I remember knowing that I would give my life for her without a second thought and feeling the love that she had for her “sissy”.
Now: nothing and that nothing burns hotter than the sun leaving me hollow.

My Husband: I remember the man I met and fell in love with. The feeling that he truly loved me and his blue eyes seeing actually seeing me.
Now: He is the same wonderful man but he doesn’t know how to deal with my pain over not only the loss of my father but in effect the loss of my entire family. It’s easier for him to ignore my pain sometimes because that way he doesn’t see me hurt.

Everything is always and ever the same I end up  alone with my pain hollowed out but still somehow hopeful. Hopeful that someone or something will see me. It matters not a who or a what because then it would mean I am here and not just a shadow or a wraith living a life that no longer exists.