Submissions by Jinndoe

Why, do I stay?
Why, do I put up with it?
Why, am I not afraid?
Why, am I submissive to him?

Why do I do what I know, make him happy?
Why do I do what I do to make me unhappy?
Why do I do to make my life seem normal?
Why do I care, it's my life not theirs?

Why, haven't I ended it all?
Why, do I feel so damn small?
Why, do I still care?
Why, do I care about my fucking hair?

Why, am I still in this state?
Why, can't I get a fucking date?
Why, am I in this State?
Why, do I want a mate?

Why,...

Look at me, I've fallen in to a clutch,
Look at me, I've given up,
Look at me, I'm breaking down,
Look at me, I'm snorting now.

Look at me, I'm crying now,
Look at me, I've given up,
Look at me, I've fallen down,
Look at me, I'm spiraling now,

Look at me, I'm desperate now,
Look at me, I've given up,
Look at me, I'm at wits end,
Look at me, I'm shooting up,

Look at me, I'm almost dead,
Look at me, I've given up,
Look at me, I'm in the ground,
Look at me, there is no frown...

This is how i...

So many emotions I still 
Keep inside 
For my past still haunts me 
I try 
I really do 
But inside 
There is a war 
With the words 
That were fed to me 
For way to long 
Most days 
I win the fight 
On some nights 
My insecurities 
And fears 
Take over 
And when I lose 
It carries over to reality 
And it really sucks 
Cause I'm fighting an 
imaginary war inside 
That no one else 
Can see 
Or feel 
It's hard to describe 
If you've never been through 
Your own...

I want the blissful numbness that only it can provide, I want to bleed, damn the consequences. I can’t live with the memories anymore.

Take these pills they say.  They'll make you feel better and act more normal.  What they don't tell you is that you don't feel better, you feel like a zombie.  You look at you children in helpless frustration.  You look at the disaster that you house has become and realize that it's a house and no longer a home.  So you stop taking the pills and you start feeling normal again.  Then after a few days or weeks, the old patterns come back. You feel like you're being watched, like people are doing thing to intentionally fuck with you. You start to slowly fall back into the abyss. So you start...