...Done With Being Abused...

For six years I put up with verbal emotional and physical abuse, not knowing, not realizing that that wasn't love...finally I had enough and got the strength to leave... Thank you God!!
Now here's my poem to start...

          "...Ashes & Dust..."

I use to believe you would always have my heart
But now since being apart
All this time
Finally, my mind
Has snapped back and I've realized
I deserve so much better for my life...
You had me thinking it was alright
How you treated me...
And as I continue dissecting
Each and every memory
It angers me
Unbelievably so...I know
Your mother would not approve
And if you don't agree
Then something seriously
Is wrong with you...but honestly
Would you want some man talking
To your daughter the way you talk to me?
Would you want some man treating
Your daughter just any kind of way?
How do you think my father feels
Watching down on us?...
Your lack of trust
Destroying us...
I loved you
I needed you,
I wanted you
To love need and want me too...
Now all I have is this emptiness inside
Every time I think of you
I have a burning desire
To see you engulfed in flames
Ashes & Dust
Is all that'll remain
And it Will make me happy
Watching you in pain...
        You had my heart
          But you slowly
            Ripped it apart
              Scarring me severely,
                I am forever changed
                  I'll never be the same
                    Because of you...

~Written by Tara A. aka Lyricallady aka 2b-or-Not2B-loved.
°7-20-15~~9-28-15°

Title:  I checked into the funny farm

Drink, drunk, party like a skunk
Along came abuse and one hell of a punk
His name was Gary, and he had just gotten out of the joint
A roommate's ex-con boyfriend set us up; I didn't see the point

It started at an apartment that I shared with the roommate
and ended with me being repeatedly abused like it was my fate
I was taller than him, but at first, I liked his boyish charm
and I figured that he was too puny to do any harm

I gave him what he wanted that night; he was fresh out of jail
and we hung out a lot afterwards without fail
When we got an apartment together
he became jealous after I lost weight; I had became light as a feather

My five foot ten frame was rocking a buck forty three
and all of his friends started flirting with me
After he left for work one night, I decided to go out
to the bar, and I went and promptly forgot what he was about

Early the next morning, I awoke in a strange room with the door ajar
It was a skanky rooming house three floors up behind the bar
I wondered who I had been with and where he had gone
I got dressed, and some hippie with a beard returned with a joint just after dawn

and coffee and donuts for us to eat; He asked me if I was single
The question itself was moot, because we got it on all night, you know, we had already comingled
It was then that I realized that Gary would be livid and mad
and I set out on foot to return home with all the courage that I had

He wasn't home, so I took a shower to wash off the filth of the night
When I got out, the apartment was torn apart; things didn't look right
My prescious ivy was cut at the base and could climb no more
and my two leather belts had been cut and strewed around the floor

As I looked for something to hold up my jeans which I needed after my recent weight dipped
I found more clothing cut into pieces, and I sorta flipped
After I got dressed, I saw him pull in the driveway
I went up to the window, screamed at him, and punched my wrist through it; what can I say

He came in and shoved me to the floor
and asked me if I had fun the night before
With blood pooling on the floor, I slipped trying to get up
He laughed at me and gave me a mop

After I wrapped my bloodied arm in a towel as it bled
he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the bed
Pointing his finger and shouting, I saw evil in his eyes
and with one swing, he shoved his knuckles in one of my thighs

I managed to get up and walk to another room
In a rage, and out of nowhere, he punched me on the side of the head; I heard a loud boom
Everything went dark, and I fell; it was like my brain spun around inside of my head
I saw stars, and I thought that he was going to jail forever; I thought I would soon be dead

He left, and I got up and packed my stuff to leave
it was then that I noticed more blood on my sleeve
There was a piece of glass embedded inside of my arm
so I walked to the hospital and I checked into the funny farm

You should have known.
You should have noticed.
For this you cannot atone;
Your tears do not wash it
Away.

I was so young
And I did not understand.
I thought it normal, not wrong,
My bruises formed under your hand
And belt.

How could it be five years
Before someone informed you?
The congenital deafness in my ears
Surely was evident and true?
Or not.

The first five years of my life
I suffered wrongful abuse.
Woe to me! memories of my strife,
Now my eternal muse
And torment.

Yet now I know, and so do you,
That no sound reaches my ears,
Though intellectually I grew.
For myself or you I shed no tears
But I cry.

Long have bruises faded away,
Your hands a distance from me stay,
But still my muse remains with me,
My suffering persists still for eternity,
Though I cannot hear it

I am a secret keeper.
When I was 11 my daddy pinched me
and said if any man ever,
he would kill him.

I didn't tell. And Mom started saying,
he's a bad man. He drinks every morning. I didn't tell,
like the lights in the downstairs closet spinning
when I first discovered masturbating,
I wanted to cum.

12, I stood by Mom and her pride rattled
like the dishes, porcelain and metal,
her skin was never so brittle.
She said every man ever,
and I believed her.

Grandma said,
Buddy was psycho.
Your dad has his eye color,
and your Aunt Carol nearly fainted,
he came down the stairs, but Daddy said,
She's overdramatic. Buddy almost raped her,
but she said please Daddy no,
then he killed himself,

Daddy holds the car door open.
The highway crackles. The window breaks,
his fist red now. I wore fairy wings and a flower crown,
my brother held his plastic sword between his legs.
I asked Caleb, Do you remember? but he's been
a better secret keeper than me,
he had friendships,

marijuana and LSD. Daddy said,
take a hit. I had homework but I couldn't
read the questions. My hands were numb,
my mouth couldn't stop pulling itself taut and narrow,
he asked me to hit it again. I didn't tell,
the room was twirling,
I fell in love.

I smoked a cigarette.
13, Caleb just turned 12,
he handed it to me. Juan Ramirez
gave it to him. Mom smoked while she drove
no matter how short the distance,
I didn't tell. Daddy bought me
newports, whiskey,

14, I was his little girl.
He drank with me and asked
if he was a bad man. My hair was beautiful,
he only loved me, he seemed fractured,
I didn't tell. His thoughts were evil,
they ascended from Hell. He
was a vessel, helpless,

I believed him.
My mom said she was a lesbian,
he tore her hair out. The window was open,
it was late August. The dog crawled under my bed,
I stared at my computer. I sat there for years,
with breaks for function, my mom mailed
the divorce papers. She wanted us,
but she couldn't afford it,

her girlfriend never let us stay more than a night,
hoarded her blessings, women were pure,
the angels told me.

Daddy feasted. Out to dinner every night,
my brother was a recluse. His friends
became unreliable, I watched him
fall and I fell harder. The stairs
couldn't keep,

15, I hadn't eaten in three weeks,

I didn't tell. Skeletal was caustic.
numbers submissive. Mom called,
she had a boyfriend. Traci was a phase. Every man,
but Pat was different. Every man,
Daddy asked if he scared me,
every man, Mr. Hart's hand
brushed my knee,
every man,

I didn't tell. I was powerful.
My sex was perfect. I had everything,
but Daddy said a slut was sinful. He took me,
his lips were white. The pipe was in the bathroom,
he blamed it on Peggy. I walked to Meijer,
the concrete shook. I saw my atoms
in a constellation, and vibrated
with every step.

19, I am a secret keeper.
I borrowed a phone from the grocer
and said Daddy tried to rape me.
Mom and Pat got me,
nothing happened.

The house is hollow. He owns a gun now.
I prayed for myself when I dreamed his head
tore open. I went to bed,
I didn't tell,

Daddy said my virginity was sacred.

Wow..so far so good ...like I'm proud of my fellow poets here, I must say it's gonna b hard choosing that's for sure!

Abused Anger

I'm fine
is the standard line
because it's easier
than the truth

It's an awkward smile when
your tongue is wriggling your bottom tooth
and you're really
wrestling
with the anger raging
through you
with ruthlessness

Caged and enraged
and somehow sheltered
by your helplessness

Violent movies playing on an endless
loop, so paralyzed with
anger you can't sleep or
even move,
keeping you restless
and discontent
unable to vent your frustration
or get appropriate
commiseration

Because no one really understands
what it's like to have someone's hands
around your throat,
their fist to your face,
the way your heart races
every time you begin
to replay it again and again
bringing the rage to boil just beneath
your skin,
mingling with the fear
that if anyone gets too near
you know you'll blow
just like he did
and you'll be no better than him.

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/213024-abused-anger/

True Story 1

I was just throttled
by my own father.
 
He was driving my car,
we weren't going far but
running late and traffic was intense
and money had already been spent
to go kayaking
and he kept yak yak yaking
in ascending tones.
 
I really wanted to go home,
but our anger kept swelling
and escalated to yelling
and suddenly his hand was around my
throat.
 
It was brief, but intense
and in self-defense
I clawed at his face
my heart racing,
fear and anger raging
but mostly disbelief.
 
Over something so stupid
his screws finally loosened
and his mind finally lost
as well as any shred
of respect I may have ever held
for him.  
 
And to think,  
when he was on the brink
of self-destruction,
his own corruption and sin
bared on his skin  
for all to see
and everyone turning their backs on him
except me.
 
Just over a year ago,
I forsook my own sanity
and overlooked the gravity
of the situation at hand
and tried to understand
the depths of his disease
and even though I was displeased
and disgusted with what he'd done
I remained the only one
to support him despite his
mistakes.
 
I said my love was unconditional  
and I helped him through his transitional
crisis, understanding his vices
since they mirrored some of my own
though I'd never take it to that extreme.
I believed somehow he could be
redeemed.
 
More than a year of being his
codependent attendant,
building resentment
against his lack of repentance,
and the fact that, again,
I was parenting my own parent.
And where was he when I needed attention?
When I was depending on him
being present?
 
And after all I had done
my bridge, his only one,
he goes and burns it to the ground
in one resounding  
moment that has played
over and over in my head
for days  
replaying and escalating
and boiling at the edges
of my sanity.
 
He's always had a habit of ruining my life.
 
But this is the last straw
he better never call
or text or show his face
I'm working to erase him
from my life and my mind
I'm leaving him behind,
much like he did to me when I was young.
Something I should have done
a long time ago.

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/213018-true-story-1/

Unseen moments in the dark
Until now have not found light
Whispers of a snake
Touches fueled by hate
In this bed my soul will stay
In this moment, innocence fades
A hand upon my trembling limbs
A kiss upon my quivering lips
Hushed voices fill my mind
Begging to recall a happier time
Screaming inside, dying outside
Movement towards my chest
Can’t I take my last breath?
A force erupts into my youth
How do I cover such an ugly bruise?
Take me now oh God above
Movement slowing
He is done
Unseen moments in the dark

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

He's yelling again
The harsh noise scraping against my ears
Dark and rough words
Blaming me for his own faults
Blaming me for mum's death
For Tatiana's suicide
For Alexis being running
For Dmitri and Trissa being taken away
It's only me and Nikolai now
The others scattered
Like beads from a necklace snapped
Our beautiful family
A whore
A criminal
And all their children
He strikes me
Nikolai pushes him away
He yells
The abrasive Russian slurred by drink
I dash for it
To slow
He yanks my hair
Kicks my stomach
Then leaves me
I crawl to my twin
Unconscious but breathing
I lock us in our room
Whisper a prayer to deaf ears
And try to sleep
Only to endure this all again
When he wakes up

done being abused

Tonight I put a stop to your cruelty,
ugly words meant to confuse the brain
as I wonder if she really loves me or
hates her new last name. I can’t help
but to question my new found commitment
to a woman who is intent on causing havoc
in a house that was meant to resemble home.
The honesty is the reason I married you,
though an abusive tongue I never met
during the eight months we fell in love.
Now what? Your last name is my lifestyle,
I can’t pull out now, I promised to make
it work through thick and thin, but this
marriage is a two way street. How do you
expect me to cross my hands and let you
belittle my manhood at every angle?
I’m the breadwinner ma'am, I’m the
one giving it all to please your pretty
little feet, but in return I’m given the cold
shoulder. Every night I must own the fact
that you seduce me only for your satisfaction,
morning awakes and you continue your attack,
now I’m wondering how the story will end
after the oppressed decides to fight back.
At my limit after the plate met my face,
salute to those who actually made it
through and made a life out of two worlds.

How far,
how deep,
how bad you hurt me.

I was torn down
by you're presents,
My fears you fed
with word's you said.

The closet was my friend
when no one gave me their hand.

I feared for my life,
never did I see a light,
Instead it was the flash of your hand
coming down like a knife.

The abuse I suffered,
never will I forget,
but coping is all I can give,
forgiveness is my gift to myself.

Abuse and neglect come hand in hand.

_____"Short changed again by..."


the hurting sound the torn introversion unbound!
Felt so scorned and alienated.
Always last to be pick and forever belated.

Schemes meddling at me. As everyone is involved!
Though they aren't conspiring together,  The effort
is always in my life and law.

It is piled higher and higher.  Like a raging mammoth
fire!  Blazing and burning and pushing me away.
Short changed, soon cut off with my pensions.  
No safety nets to be found nor other ulterior dissensions.

In the end left alone to figure out what went wrong.
Deserving had nothing to do with it.  Accursed all along.

(I guess my entry should be disqualified because I've used song lyrics, an external link and an image but I really want to post it anyways. Thank you.)

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/images/uploads/poemimages/218359.jpg

Funny to Me

lyrics from “The Shadow of Your Smile” from the 1965 film The Sandpiper

I guess it just seemed funny to me
when I huddled in the corner I was
too many different ages to remember
too many voices to remember

and one would sing out above the others
what will this do to the rest of my life

all I know is I met a boy
at the grocery a week ago
I am burying him today
along with all the other bodies and dreams
in my soul’s graveyard

because it is always like this
a child of six in a forty year-old woman

and little boys can sense it in little girls
(my little hands grabbing at their shirt buttons)
and it’s only human nature
to flee the needy
and leave
them

alone

how I wish I could describe it to them
how fiercely I need to
so much music inside me
soft rage of yearning
broken dishes
constant burning behind my eyes

my daddy’s velvet voice as he strummed the guitar

The shadow of your smile /
When you are gone /
Will color all my dreams /
And light the dawn /

and I say to all the boys

oh love me like my daddy didn’t
please be my daddy
please hold me
pay attention to me
fill this emptiness that defines me
that can never be filled again

because daddy
the day you left          
all the days you left
something was erased
something grew transparent

and every boy has inside him your ghost
but there is no way to cross the river
between the living and the dead anymore

even the ferryman looks like
your fragile, precious bones

and I hear the crooning of those words forever

Now when I remember spring /
All the joy that love can bring /
I will be remembering /
The shadow of your smile /

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdtcItLjPPU

toniscales different way to start out an entry LOL  sorry.....  :P