Would You Change A Thing?

I'll vote the winner.. I'm interested in your opinions.. And I'll lead by example.. With the poem, that inspired it all..

sleepless nights test me
as the anxiety creeps in
my mind’s a constant storm
pain greets me warm again
confronted by mortality
this unwelcome guest
just twenty years ago
never would’ve seen this

can’t seem to find a grip
on this enigma called life
time has became my nemesis
as the end draws near
second guessing myself
and the decisions made
a love/hate relationship
with my friend death

it all passes by in a blur
yesterday is now tomorrow
fractured dreams bleed
a state of spiritual fatigue
so i leave you with this
a question to ponder
if given the chance
would you change a thing?

Copyright 2014 David Allen

"Before we go any Further"
==========================
If there is one thing
that i would change, i would change
knowing her age
i would know her true age when
first she contacted me then

it would have been hard
avoiding meeting her for
all those first three years
but not pressing children might
even have kept her with me

listening to her talk
of this boyfriend and that one
would still occupy
my mind and time all with her
but i would not have transgressed

or would she have left
me sooner than cowardice
caused when she needed
shelter from the storms in her
broken mind... reassembled

without transgressions
would she have survived to her
current age... she says
i helped her a lot during
time i broke to make her whole

Good start.. Loving both of your entries..

Where Did I Learn That?

Young, Innocent Child Among Blood Relatives.

Playing With There Offspring.

Cousins, How Lovely.

But I Couldn’t Help But Get A Little . . . Naughty.

The Outcome Was No Dinner, And Hours Spent.

Merely Locked In A Room.

Where My Tendency To Be . . . Naughty.

Grew To What Many Can Describe As, Monstrous.

As The Punishment Was Served, And Freedom Due.

I Was Released, Not Only A Few Hours Later.

Was Back In My Confinement, Why You Ask?

I Could Not Help But Wrap My Tender Hands Around The Small One.

Well Throat, How Naughty.

She Gasp, And Coughed.

While I Tightened My Grip, Lucky For Her.

Her Mother, My Aunt.

Pushes Me Off, Then Locked Me Away Once More.

Over Time My Tendencies Faded.

Years Pass, And Not A Single Urge Of Being.

Naughty, Came To Mind.

Instead I Wondered.

Ever So Questioned.

Where Did I Learn That?

Most Importantly From Who?

Such A Significant Change From Naughty.

To Seemingly Nice.

Perhaps. . .

That’s What I Want You To Think. . .

Delete

What Do You See, When You Look Inside Of Me?

I Struggled With The Repercussions.    
   
A Feeling So Intense, So Hard To Repress.    
   
Wanting To Let Go, But Knowing If I Do.    
   
   
   
I Cant Keep This Act Up.  
   
I Watched Myself Slip From What I Hid Away.  
   
Years Of Repression.  
   
I Watched Myself Lose Control On Its Hold.  
   
A Living Nightmare.  
   
I Continued Like Nothing Happened.  
   
I Feel Ashamed Of What I Was.  
   
What I Could Have Been.  
   
It Never Should Have Ended Up This Way.    
   
   
   
It'd Be The End Of It All.    
   
No Restraint.    
   
No Stopping.    
   
No Pause Button To Press.    
   
Its All Or Nothing.    
   
   
   
Somehow, It Leaves Me Wanting More  
   
I Hear The Beast, As It Yields Its Teeth.  
   
Look At Me, Bare My Sins In A Prideful Manner.  
   
As The Sounds Of Chains, No Longer Can Restrain It.  
   
Watch The Repression Becomes Yet Another Ghost.  
   
   
   
To Wait Any Longer, Keeping What I Conflict With Each Day.    
   
This Side Has Been Waiting For A Chance To Run Rampant.    
   
Will I Let It?    
   
   
   
Through The Wait Beyond Years.  
   
Hell Never Came Close Enough For Comfort.  
   
Morals Were Lost Amongst The Ashes Of Thy Enemy.  
   
So I'm Letting Over Take Me, And Let My Rationality.  
   
Be Words In Which Have Disappeared.  
   
Take Great Pleasure In The Minutes Left Of Sanity.  
   
Look Me In The Eyes, You'll Know Exactly Whats Inside Of Me.  
   
   
   
I Cant, I Would Be Disappointing Not Only Myself.    
   
But You.    
   
My Patience Running Thin.    
   
Sanity Giving In.    
   
And The Monster Is Getting To Close For Comfort.    
   
   
   
Let My World Slip Away, Have My Dreams Drown In The Sea.  
   
In Turn I'll Rise From The Ashes Of My Enemies And The Immorally Damned.    
   
Its About Time Humanity Has Some Monsters.  
   
Without A Strain Of Sympathy, Or Control.  
   
Appearances Can Be Deceiving, Unless I Know My Demons.    
 
   
   
While The Demons Linger On The Sideline.    
   
To Catch A Glimpse.    
   
So Please Tell Me.    
   
   
   
Here Comes The Intensity Once More.  
   
May I Unleash, The Tension Built Up Upon The Beat Of Your Heart.  
   
   
   
The Pain, The Agony, The Sorrow, Felt In Great Amounts That Day, Made My Sympathy, Innocence, And Morals Go Away.    
   
Its Not Man Slaughter, If They Have No Soul To Slaughter To Begin With.    
   
What I Hate The Most, Is That Hiding Was Wasted Upon Insignificance.  
   
I Don't Fear Losing Control, As Long As This Feeling Does Me In.  
   
Resistance Was Defined As Petty.  
   
No Regret Or Guilt Will Settle In The Pit Of My Stomach.  
   
I'm Just Giving In To The Dark Within.  
 
   
   
What Do You See, When You Look Inside Of Me?  
   
   
 
[i]I Want That Numbing Poison.  
   
   
   
Through My Confliction.  
   
I've Found My One And Only Addiction.  
   
Submission Was The Escape.  
   
For Some Relief On The Edge.  
   
Pretending This Monster Doesn't Exist.  
   
Wont Make Me Any Closer To Fitting In.  
   
Grantee A Way Back, Is A Common Misconception.  
   
For The Cage Has Been Broken. [i]

“No” Just Doesn't Work For Me

The Silence, Was The Beginning Of This Tragedy.  
   
What A “Tragedy” Indeed, But I Think You Meant Triumph.  
   
No Voices, For They Fell Upon My Ears Like White Noise.  
   
Silence Is What Keeps The Moment Ever Lasting.  
   
Familiar Faces, Same Scenery.  
   
I Can Make Things More Interesting.  
   
To Ignite What Laid Within Me.  
   
Can You Hear The Flames? As They Roar From The Depths Of Hell.  
   
As Their Lips Moves With No Sounds.  
   
Precious Mouths With No Words To Be Spoken.  
   
I Stood There, Like The Killer.  
   
Yes, But Aren't We All Monsters Among The Weak?  
   
With The Soon To Be Prey.  
   
Just A Devilish Fling.  
   
I Beg To Spare Them The Agony.  
   
Satisfy, The Never Satisfied Thirst.  
   
Unfortunately, To Their Demise.  
   
The Privilege To Have The Light Flicker Out.  
   
I Felt Nothing During The Moment.  
   
Nothing Is But A Sweet Benefit.  
   
I Had No Empathy, Relations With These People Faded.  
   
Ties Were Made To Be Broken.  
   
As The Sinister Feeling Sunk Me Deeper And Deeper.  
   
Drowning You, While Raising Me.  
   
The Weight Of What Had To Happen Came To Be.  
   
I Can Take It All Away, With One Clear Answer.  
   
It Wasn't You, Its Just Me.  
   
It Was All But Just An Mean To Extinguish Some Ever Growing Urges.  
   
No Restriction Was Presented.  
   
No One Here To Hold It Back.  
   
It Was All Left To My Decision.  
   
Let The Locks Unhinged, And The Chains Unshackle.  
   
So No Apology For What Was Meant To Bring Forth To Surface.  
   
It Was A Prolonged, Repressed Desire.  
   
I Let Go My Grip, Suddenly It All Sank In.  
   
And I Grabbed Hold Of What Was Set Free.  
   
My Hand Reached For The First Person Nearest To Me.  
   
His Head Fit Quite Nicely In My Palm.  
   
Down He Went To Greet The Cold Hard Ground.  
   
As The Sensation Of Crushing It, Was Much More Satisfying.  
   
Next The Woman Beside Him, Her Face Turn To Static.  
   
Identities Are A Form Of Un-importance Now.  
   
It Didn't Matter, I Was Going To Finish What I Had Started.  
   
I Shall Make It A Remember-able Closure To Such Horrific Act Of Violence.  
   
With No Repercussions, And No Emotions To Discontinue Otherwise.  
   
Nothing, What A Bitter Sweet Benefit As Rewarding As The Wait.  
   
She Soon Met The Same Fate As The Man Before Her.  
   
What Was Built Up, Now Brought Forth To Fester.  
   
Next The Third Made The Floor A New Home.  
   
And I Made My Comfort In Delivering Them To It.  
   
Everything In Which I Had Done To Them, Seemed To Have Been In Slow Motion.  
   
A Melody Has Its Chorus, Let The Tune Sing Its Beautiful Song.  
   
Like The Evil In Which I Had Committed Lasted For Years In Mere Seconds.  
   
I Only Hoped That This Would Last For An Eternity.  
   
For What Was Done, Was An Unholy Act Against Life.  
   
No Asking For “Forgiveness”, For What God Can Cleanse You Of This Sin?  
   
As I Stared At The Profound Product Of What I Decided.  
   
“Destroy What Destroys You”.  
   
I Turned Around To Find A Solid White Door.  
   
Certain Things Need No Explanation.  
   
Turning The Knob, I Wondered.  
   
Normality Has No Idea How Wonderful The Darkness Really Is.  
   
Is This What It Means To Finally Set The Monster Free?  
   
Like Poe Said, “The Scariest Monsters Are The Ones That Lurk Within Our Souls.”  
   
For, The Simple Word “No” Just Doesn't Seem To Work For Me.  
   
Everything You’re Running Away From, Is Really Just You Behind A Mask.  
   
And The Mask Is Denial.

Just As I Am, Isn't Socially Acceptable

It Began With Words, On Subjects Of Many.

I Ascended In Thoughts, That Wont Know The Touch Of Reality.

Following The Mindless Notions, Presented Emotions.

Like Before I Ignored Them, This One Became Different.

I No Longer Battled The Demons Or My Inner Monsters.

For I Accepted What I Hated.

What Destroyed Me On The Inside.

Refrained From Morals And Empathy.

It Was Pointless To Repress, To What I Am Internally To Do Without Restraints.

For That Long Moment, I Extinguished My Darkest Fantasies.

This Is The Only Thing That Gives Me The Chance To Feel Free From Formalities.

And The Only Thing I Need To Understand, Is That I Have No Emotions Or Ethics To Show Remorse Towards Another Agony.

Someone Pain, Became My Comforting Source.

Till I Stopped Lingering On These Thoughts, Coming To Know That Isolation And Repression Is Un-interesting.

Reasoning Is Almost Boring, Calling Nightmares Home.

And So I Stepped Beyond The Walls Of What Is Acceptable.

No More Fear, No More Pressure.

As I Overdosed On The Sins In Which Bare My Attention.

Snap!

I Was Brought Back To The Surface, Force To Swallow The Harshness Of What Society See's As Normal.

So I Sit Here, Suffocating, Choked Up, And Hung Upon A Highest Tree With A Fitting Rope.

To Continue On To Desire And Long For What I Cant Have.

Just Once, I Want That “Light” To Blow Out.

For I Am Not Afraid Of What Lies In It, Because The Dark Is Afraid Of Me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I wouldnt change a thing
It all brought me you

(for my mate)

~Leather-like skin


Let the rain fall,
For tomorrow it brings flowers
The fragrant roses
Perched in their poses

Through the despair
Runs my veins
Jaded my eyes
Cast a shadow among my hands
But the fruits shall come
Lest I drown neath the darkness
The affliction of my shadow
It has cast this mold
The one I set in
Let me never regret it
Let me be satisfied
For this tough skin
Shall serve me well.

Butterfly Effect

Sitting in my office pondering
what it would have been like
if I never let the street life go,
no remote sessions only soul
breaking fights, the regret age.
Today I tend to feel important
however I'm willing to reminisce
on what I had to endure.
How silly of I to believe
in a place higher than I
when God never believed in me?
Sharing my feelings with strangers,
a corrupted story of sorts.
Good morning Watts!!!
You put me through hell,
I sang without a snare, screaming
at the wall full of lungs but my
two cents scented something
in the air, I was too strong to
just be a nobody drugged out
under bridges.
I overpassed what
was meant to collapse, and who
can I thank for that?
My two shoes or a higher
degree of myself?
Do I need permission to live?
from who? Paid dues,
training for tomorrow
but tonight I must grab the nine
just to look at it in remembrance.
Looking back I needed to learn to
survive, looking back there is
nothing I would change. Amen.

Embracing Hate



It's been awhile since; I've wrote a story this deep. 

Been trying to write a message where everybody can connect. 

Deep within my mind; of how I truly feel…Honestly it's kind of difficult when your heart is filled with hate. 

Eyes overflowing with anger.  Rage changes your perspective. 

Even your soul starts to deteriorate. 

Without realizing, you start to bury your own heart deep within the ground, shoveling dirt covering it with lies. 

Too afraid to make mistakes; afraid to confront “fear”. 

 Every decision; every action; I was always second guessing. 

Thinking it will never go through, leaning on hate as a crutch, doing everything that's necessary, to survive, and then pretend like nothing ever happened. 

What's really holding you back? 

People's actions can really change you, 

We'd rather not deal or accept hate for “who” hate is… Everything I've said is true 

But here in this moment, you have a choice to make – to embrace hate or to bury it deep inside, This will be your “carpe diem”, your chance to survive and achieve greatness in letting go of hate and accept it lovingly 

Now let's take this hate and transform it into a positive message