The sadness.

Fallen Angles

She had fallen into a place where she would never belong
He came up from a hole he never dug
They met in the middle
She had parents who were not too kind
He had parents who were not there
They met in the middle somewhere
She was kicked and punched
He was the fighter in the ring
They loved somewhere out there
She was killed one day
He was shot the next
They loved like no other

People found out that they were lovers when they found a will of his
They found out that she was starved to death
She was beaten and starved for days
He cared for he as much as he could
He tried to tell people but no one listened
She told him never to worry
People knew her as nice and kind
People knew him as brawny and brainy
They were all surprised by what happened to her
They were all wondering why no one ever told
He screamed and yelled all night in the middle of the woods
He shot himself dead
She watched from above and cried
She held him when he came to her
They were surprised when he wanted to be buried next to her
People talked
His parents said no
Hers were in jail
The pastor said it was his last wish and he was eighteen
He told them about the plans he had with her
That he would get her out when she was eighteen

She died on her birthday

Sleep well sweet angel's you deserve a rest

Willie

Adventurer
Wanderer

How I wish you weren't.

I can still imagine it all
I've been able to since they told me
Your chubby little legs
wading ankle deep into the dirty pond
the water tucking into your feet
your knees
your hips

Hungry water brushing at your fingertips
as you grin in delight at the wonders
of such a lively pool of water

That water rising slowly to encircle
your convex belly
hugging your shoulders
weeds tangling around your ankles
like they're long lost brothers
meeting for the first time

Your curls flattening at the touch
of the green water
and you hold your breath as you go under
only you can't come up again

the weeds hold tightly to their kill
as your little hands reach desperately
for something to hold onto
swingingly aimlessly through the water
that fills your lungs as quickly
as panic fills your mind

and your last sight
as your lifeline becomes a plateau
is of an underwater fish
reminding you
that you've run out
of air.

Passerby

I'd grow smaller and smaller;
my life's own passerby.

Flowers

As if I've never developed
the ability to speak
I stutter. I stuttered,
upon seeing your pretty
face covered up with
crimson flowers.
 

Ever Since.

I'm just here to watch the paper lanterns,
and to smell the salt water.
It something I do to overload my senses,
and I've done it since I lost her.

Every year I stand by as the lighters flick,
peripheral vision soaking it in.
I hear the laughter in the background,
dreaming of the moonlight on her skin.

By the end of the night I'll be crying,
banging my head up against the wall.
Remembering the scream and scarlet water.
I'll stumble my way down the hall....

Sometimes I let the waves dance up to my toes,
but I swore that I'd never get in.
Not since I rescued her minutes too late,
and she shook as the salt and wounds mixed.

For the moment I picture her happiness,
see her splashing around with the other kids.
Then of course, the rain sprinkles down,
shattering my instant of almost-bliss.

I put my head in my hands and I shake off the sadness,
inching my way into the dangerous blue.
It's been eleven years since I've gone this deep,
to the spot where I thought I'd rescued.

Her lungs were begging for me to come save her,
the blood just kept coming, I recall.
I made my way with her, up to the sand.
Her scream filled my ears, and I bawled.

I get up to the beach and I grab what she left,
her blanket she slept with, always.
I wrap it around me, her warmth surrounds me,
and the tears, like ocean water, fall down in my daze.

He Really Did.

If I recall the way I think I do,
we were at the beach.
A carnival with pretty lights
brought us together, let us meet.

He never knew my name,
and I never learned of his.
None of that mattered
when he stole that first kiss.

The moon was playing tricks on us,
dancing lights across our flesh.
We were laying under fireworks,
my head on his warm chest.

That man left me that night,
deflowered and engaged.
Two hours alone, I loved him....
Though soon I was enraged.

An early morning sneaking home,
a glance at a television screen.
That man I'd met with instant sparks
was vanished like a dream.

His truck had been flipped,
trapping him inside.
Sounds of metal scraping wood....
Something inside me died.

I kissed him in his casket,
recieved a letter just for me.
Baptised the page with teardrops,
that no one else would read.

He really did love me,
and I never did marry.
I had that one child,
he left me to carry.

This story is true,
believe if you wish.
It's all about your grandpa,
who gave me my first kiss.

I have a mother who loves me
A grandfather who cares
An angel somewhere
But all I feel is cold pain
Only feel something else when I cut
I live behind a mask
Drowned in my past
I believe in little besides death and suffering
I believed in a father who would become a dad
I believed Alexa was everything and when she’d said it’d be forever it would
I believed Tala was a sister beautiful person and there was a better world
Now my dad is my problem full of hate
My everything is not mine and gone
My sister a trader who I know not how I still love
Should my life turn to death
…

Someone hurt me so long ago
I cannot remember who or when;
I carry this weight inside my chest
The hurt won’t go, it always remains;
Everyone hurts me since then.

The original sin; polluting all
Nothing untouched; nothing unscathed
Yet I cannot remember; I take it on faith
I carry this weight inside my chest; it will not go away
O Mother, O Father, I fear more than I love.  
I hide my head each night to forget that which I cannot recall.  
This weight in my chest –my guilt; it is not mine.
I’ve carried it so long it can never let go;
I carry it like people carry memories and emotions;
It controls.

Someone hurt me so long ago
I cannot remember who or when;
Abandonment,
Rejection,
FEAR,
Insecurity;
Someone hurt me so long ago; everyone hurts me since then.  

What Is Sadness


I can tell you about sadness if you really want to know
it followed me through life and dared to play it's game
I knew it wanted to make me cry torrents of tears
so I wouldn't I hid all of my tears inside so deeply




Sometimes it would try to surface and nearly choke me
The day my big brother was put six feet into the ground
when my boyfriend was reduced to dust back to the earth
or when that sixteen year old beautiful girl looked so peaceful
in her coffin and I said goodbye to her leaving part of me there




Sadness wrapped around my heart and squeezed it ever so tightly
And then that beautiful angelic fourteen year old boy was taken
I watched him grow from a baby until the end of his short life
the sun shone so brightly as he was lowered into the ground




The tears only fell on the inside as I would not let sadness win
I became numb to the next  family members that were taken tragically
He was only twenty three my cousin who I grew up with and he died
my cousin after that was just nineteen went missing and found dead




My brother and my boyfriend were young both eighteen and life all gone
I find it hard to cry or to feel such deep sadness because I cannot break
When my ex boyfriend stopped breathing I brought him back to life
he is still alive now but my ex because the bruises I wore didn't suit me




Is that sadness I wonder when tears do not fall or my heart bleeds quietly
when my insides are ripped apart over and over without given time to heal
as an invisible hand grips my gut and twists it so tightly that I feel immense pain
But I just spit it out because I will not let sadness win or ever get the better of me.




*

"Empty Trails"

There is a thin line  
between sorrow and joy.  
This morning, you put up a
valiant fight, but you succumbed,
gave up the ghost,  your indomitable spirit.
I feel sadness, anguish, grief, woe, and heartbreak.
My insides ache.  But, did you know,  
you really were my granite?
You brought gladness, merriment, enjoyment,  
mirth, and happiness.
I confess, long ago, my heart you did possess.  
But just a short time ago,  
I was your rock when  
you could no longer be mine.
I held your loyal companionship  
in my arms for the last time,
I felt your last breath as
your gentle little soul was released  
back to the light, leaving me here.
And, hoping I can find my way every day,
for the rest of my natural born life.
Oh!  This bittersweet existence was made
much easier with you, but without you  
I feel so very alone.  You have flown to  
the cosmic zone, I do  moan.
Now, our favorite trails are empty,  
as I do not feel like  
hiking them yet,  
out on my own.
Will I ever?

[This poem was written a few hours before my seventeen-year-old Jack Russell terrier was put to sleep]

"Joy Thief"

Grief looms near,
my constant companion,
like a thief,  robbing me of
precious sleep,
practicing gluttony
on saline reserves,
nearly emptied out,
cannot even shout
in a home alone.
Stones piled high
on my heaving bosom,
restricting my air flow
with heavy sorrow,
my spirit wanes with
deepest pain,
solitary sobs, just
hours away from
heartfelt loss
I cannot escape.

[This poem was written a few hours before my seventeen-year-old Jack Russell terrier was put to sleep]  

Emily's room

Emily was sitting in her room
With the door locked and a pen in her hand
A blank piece of paper she stares until the clock ticks 1,
Hands were shaking and tears were falling
“To my Family” she wrote another bare gaze she tossed
She crumpled the blank piece,
She tried again, start over again and again.
Inside her head, someone’s whispering
“Nobody would care if you’re alive or dead,
No one understands; you mean nothing to them!”
She sits alone in her dark empty room,
And when clock tocks 3,
She took her soul with a dagger of blue,
Her last breath whispers a grin, “FAREWELL!!”...

Morning comes, clock ticks 7,
Mama draws closer and knocks on Emily’s door,
She doesn’t know Emily can’t hear her anymore,
“Emily, my dear open up your door!”
No response from the other dark side,
She opens it and screech, she collapsed,
She collected all her strength; she stood up and walks to her Emily dear,
She tilted her head over Emily’s remains,
She’s screaming and sobbing, “My baby, please breath!”
She’s blaming herself for not saying “Yes you can, my dear! ”
Papa came rushing to Emily's room,
Tears come fleeing, escaping with a doom,
He’s now blaming himself,
“Baby I’m sorry! I should’ve given you attention,
For being away from home at work for long!”
And there’s Emily’s sister,
She sobs in fears; she’s blaming herself too,
“Emily, my loving sister, no matter how I screamed at you,
I should’ve said I am so proud of you!”

After Emily’s last rites,
Everyday, Mama goes to Emily’s room,
Lock herself in; weeping she screams.
Papa got depressed,
Her sister always gets into mess,
They keep blaming themselves,
Tears keep falling, tears and more tears,
Every day they wait for Emily to come back home…
Now tell me Emily,
Is it all worth it?
Devastation, guilt, hatred, sorrow and defeat,
That's all what they get,
That’s all what you get, poor Emily,
You let them ended up in gloom...

Hey, Runner-up. . .Cool.  Thx!