The sadness.

Into the darkness
I stare solemnly into
Into my mind's depths

My Darkest Hour

I've been waiting for my knight in shining armor
To free me from my dungeon of feelings I start to harbor
Lately these past few weeks I'm starting to get bothered
So stressed out completely I have to pray to my Holy Father
I know I'm not the perfect guy but I try to come close
That's one of the few things in life I had to struggle with most
Still going through it till this day with a hard drink in my hand
My life is a hourglass time is falling through like the sand
I've lost every ounce of my power
I'm witnessing my darkest hour

I need to stop drinking and try to sober up
I don't need no more alcohol poured into my cup
Everytime I get a drink it reminds me of the past
It numbs me temporarily but the feeling won't last
It never does, it never will so why do I still rebel?
So stubborn and so stuck in my ways I'm trapped inside hell
A glass bottle with curves is all I need to feel loved
With a side of coke and marijuana life is better when I'm drugged
I've lost every ounce of my power
I'm witnessing my darkest hour

I'm not really loved by anyone somebody get the gun
So I can commit my suicide I hate my life I'm done
I got no friends my family hates me I'm used to being alone
By myself inside my house but it doesn't feel like a home
Taking shots and popping pills when will the misery end?
The only thing I was searching for was a genuine type of friend
Somebody to let me know that everything will be okay
Motivate me to live my life and continue another day
I've lost every ounce of my power
I'm witnessing my darkest hour

Nothing To Do

Growing up in the ghetto
I had a lot of bad influences in my life
All I hear is the echoes
Of all the people crying from all the pain and strife
Didn't expect to see tomorrow
Because I was so blinded by my yesterdays
All I saw was the sorrow
In the world filled with evil ways

Nothing to do but to keep hope alive and pray for a miracle
Nothing to do but to close my eyes and pretend to be invisible
Nothing to do but to count my blessings
Instead of nurturing the negativity nesting
Nothing to do but to survive and make it through
Nothing to do

Poor child going through it
The profanity it ran so damn fluent
Is hope worth persuing
Life's moving so fast it's practically cruising
Past my expectations
Is there any cause for celebration
Actually there is
Because another day I get to live

Nothing to do but to keep hope alive and pray for a miracle
Nothing to do but to close my eyes and pretend to be invisible
Nothing to do but to count my blessings
Instead of nurturing the negativity nesting
Nothing to do but to survive and make it through
Nothing to do

My mama cried I was traumatized by witnessing her pain
And as she wept my promise kept I've honored her name
I became someone I've risen to the sun and felt the heat of its flame
Now I'm high on a cloud and I made her proud so her wishes wasn't in vain

Nothing to do but to keep hope alive and pray for a miracle
Nothing to do but to close my eyes and pretend to be invisible
Nothing to do but to count my blessings
Instead of nurturing the negativity nesting
Nothing to do but to survive and make it through
Nothing to do

♥ ஜ Alone ஜ ♥
Alone in this little corner
    Of your lost demented world.
Do you remember me
    As I remember you?
In another time, another place
    We watched the fading of the horizon.
With a deafening howl of lost souls
    Through winding screams.

On a powdered breeze
    Of diminished lines.
A reminder of white laughter
    Amongst blackened days.
A sky ablaze with lightning sighs
    And static tears from empty eyes.
Full of discarded promises
    In a land of twisted dreams.

A mesh of shadows
    Reach across the skies.
I sit alone
    Waiting for one small glimmer
Of your silent return.
    A comfort of abundant fear
Washes over my weary bones
    Leaving a blue haze of darkened ashes.

As the blackened tears
    Flow from these wicked eyes.
A mournful soul plants seeds
    Of Velvet Black Roses.
They sprout and bloom
    In a pool of blackened sin.
Only to wilt and die
    In a brimstone fire.....

Walking in my room one day,
Tired and annoyed from school,
I laid my head upon my bed,
Thinking how the world could be so cruel,
I started to drift off to sleep,
When my father came in suddenly,
He demanded that I follow him,
So I did half-heartedly,
In his room I entered now,
And my mind wondered why I'd come,
He slapped me across my face,
Making the side of my face go numb,
He grabbed me by my throat,
The smell of acohol in his breath,
I hated when he drank,
It was like living death,
At this moment is when it happened,
He undid his belt and dropped his pants,
Staring wide eyed I couldn't believe,
When in my mouth his cock implants,
I muffle screams at the top of my lungs,
Only to choke on the mass in my young throat,
It only intrigued his sick craving,
From his son I was demoted,
After he had his fill,
He said I could go somewhere now,
And as I stood up to leave,
It was never his plan to allow,
He grabbed me by the waist,
Slamming my ass down hard on his cock,
I let a scream of pain emerge,
In so much pain and shock,
He slammed me up and down,
'stop please your hurting me'
He only moaned louder,
He ripped me from the seams,
When he had his fill,
He left me on his floor,
"Get up and get dressed," he said
Not once was he deplored,
For the next eight years it happened,
Over and over again,
And when I finally killed him,
It was my fault, my blame.

Changes In Life

we all go thru changes in life
I have had to walk away from some
cause they let their changes
break our friendship apart
so they said goodbye to me
with no notice to my heart
gone like the wind after a tornado
like rain when the clouds clear
daylight ceases when the sun rests
wish my love could turn off like that
like the water from a faucet
just turn a vein and off goes the heart
now I am in my lonely corner again
with a choice forced to make
do I stay and keep on as nothing broke
fight to keep myself in place
knowing that I am slowly fading away
do I stand in the shadows of darkness
holding on to the pain from another
protect my heart from futher closness with you
do I take a chance that you perhaps will stay
I'm hoping and praying with all my might
that you will not be the next goodbye

June 6, 2012

Anonymous said:<< post removed >>

Consider my following poem mainly sadness of dictatorship tyranny, and the enslavement of a species merely awaiting liberation. The following is my piece "My rule, the most divine"
________________________________________________________________

Not one thy empty gods, shall ever rise above me
Not one thy puny kin, shalt ever en-fuse my blood
My alertness, catalyst, of a hate grown worldwide
In sinister bliss forevermore I'm decomposed
Now I turn to thy throne, I take my rightful place.

Puritan Self! Exile of thy Elysium
with blood of Nazarene, I document the history of mankind
A mass exodus of thy once ruling species
Puny spawn! Vile wretches, the bio-engineered slave race
Were the armies of masses of peasants, expendable but frail

I lead them to your downfall, I have conquered thy once ruling
Eternally, suffering, I turn my back to thy species of wretches
the mistakes of the former-ruling species make thy rules
ye shall see, preferred than the perfection of the wretches
My rule, the most divine! Cast in stone, for all of time!

The thousand year enslavement, my dictatorship preserved
For A thousand years, thy royal haveth ruled for all time
A thousand years more, the next in line claim my throne
We gaze unto the stars, we know thy exodus brewed for vengeance
But we haveth grown strong, for our species have been trained

But thy who serve, be indoctrinated, psychotic devotion, none..
No revolution shall riseth, no Messiah shall come to liberate
The wretches of our species, devoted to thine enslavement
We of the Reich, shall reign in blood, those of the slaves
Shall serve as thine taste thy blood of trickled sacrifice

Now onward we march, for glory we ride, the armies strengthened
Annihilation now our commodity, now we turn those once oppressed
To thine creators of bio-engineered mishaps, we take our blades.
To charge for glory, for the thousand year Reich, thine now serve
We shall eradicate, those who do not so wishth to turn.

Thine Earth we fight, be drenched in plight, as blood rain down
We haveth no retreat, for we fight til death. We re-engage.
Enemies, as if there immortal, only names and faces change
Do not relent, we must push on, show no mercy, show no fear
As they do not, for they are slaves, bred to kill, bred to die.

The masses without number, the masses think as one.
The enemy's creation become it's destruction, gaze upon blood
Blood.. flesh.. like confetti in the air, the flesh storm grows
Shallth bring your despair. Charge! My armies, death or victory
You shall not return, until annihilation, my holocaust complete

Conquer All!

i dont see the reasoning
in talking or trying
to continue
or even breathing

i go in to the bathroom
shouting continually
why wont this bottle open??
to die is the only way

i just want to get out
to put an end to my misery
to stop with the torrmenting
to stop with the name calling

i want the words in my head
to stop circling
to stop the replay in my mind
the madness overcoming

why cant the world just end?
i want to stop my agonizing

Anonymous said:<< post removed >>
o.o did you see my poem? X.x

Anonymous said:<< post removed >>

Alright.. i'll give you my 2nd entry, my published poem on Deep underground poetry. "The whisperings" -

My mind is all confusion.. whole new world of emotion.. intrusion
Never in my mind's eye, could see, attraction of one such as you
Never could imagine, a living soul stir my blackened heart
Is this a whole new level? Or my metamorphis into something new?
The psychology of I, as warped as the mind of a madman.
 
You're in my sights, I'm gazing unto you, I see fragments myself
A woman, breathes has my attention. Is this my heart's intention
Or something much more? A possessive plight for me, claim norm?
Never could've contemplated, infatuation you have cast unto me.
You've evolved over the many years, from a girl, mind of purity
 
To the tormented soul you've become, your journey, much like mine
Has intersected at the cross roads of time, feelings entwine
My experiences, we have much in common, I feel at ease with her
She understood harness infatuated mindset foolish man i've become
I muttered forced words, whilst my egos vex my love unconstrained
 
"Courtney, give yourself to me forever."
 
Hearing the whisperings of little wood critters, I feel something
Not knowing this feeling, I reach out for her, she turns her head
I lock into her stare, she has my full attention.. eagerly I wait
Her, tears, tumbling trickling through time, her emotions, waver
The winds, a sullen, anticipating silence
 
She raises her head before mine, I gaze with be-searching eyes
She has decreed her final verdict. She, for all her divinity
Have so denied to me, love capable of the healings of me in need
She scorns, her smirking grimace as vile as her beauty is divine
Casts me unto the flames, her verdict the execution
 
Oh that was many years ago, none would know, no, not a soul
As one is far to many, but so far in few, this love turned me
Into the beast.. have become, my love, my passion, pure in years
Has not wavered, has grown stronger with time, my insecurities
Infest, they have weakened my once so brilliant mind.
 
Now I am the molester of the dead, the vegan of necropolis.
 
My soul, has been tainted, caged, by my ego, this is false pride
Now I despise the navietie of love, and sustained to pessimism
For love I was sustained, it was the hand that fed unto me
Never again, be destined for he, his miserable hole, he resides
He may be alone, but always, atoned that comfortably numb feeling
 
The feeling.. of home.

i am dying in my
darkness

sadness fills
the weakest
hearts

laughing
in the
face of
agony

feel none
laugh none  
only agony

trying failing
sorrows sadness my
life

crying dying
inside and out
ouch

moon's up
reminds me who
i am

Barely touching your cold hand, I fell to my knees and began weeping.
Memories of your silly humor
Your deep brown eyes falling into mine
The touch of your smooth lips
your warm body..
All the love we shared will never continue because of your selfish fucking decision.
I can't keep these loving memories,
I can't live with this pain
this misery you're making me go thru.
I CAN"T TAKE THIS!
If you would have just talked to me
told me how you felt
I would have been there for you.
I could have helped
But expressing your feelings were never your thing.
I just wish this once you hadn't of been so stubborn.
This love we once shared
is turning into hate.
It's the only way I can get thru this.
I hope you can hear me you selfish bastard.
I fucking hate you.

I'll Miss You, Love.

I miss the way you'd look at me,
crooked smile upon your face,
the feel of your slick skin on mine,
as I float in your warm embrace.

I miss the scent of your skin,
as we slide together in your truck,
salty tears of laughter,
the melding of lips so sweet and rough.

I miss the way you'd whisper,
I love you in my ear,
as you held me tightly,
keeping at bay all doubt and fear.

I miss your touch and light filled eyes,
as your fingers trail my spine,
I'll miss the sound of your heart beating rapidly,
steadily keeping pace with mine.

I'll love you every single day,
even though you're no longer here,
and until we meet again, my love,
my heart will lie with yours.

I'm Used To It

(spousal abuse)


I'm tired of this.
of being used,
for your entertainmeant,
always abused...

But I'm used to it.

I wish you would stop,
but there's no way.
That I could end this,
Or make it sway.
My body is sore,
My emotions bleed grey,
My head continues to roar...

But I'm used to it.

I want to lay down,
but I would never dare.
I know you're watching me,
You're always there.

But I'm used to it...

My anger is palpable,
My hatred so cold.
My fingers are itching,
For a warm love to hold...

But I'm used to it.

All I do is want,
for the love that I let go.
I wish that I still had him now,
his body has gone cold.

But I'm used to it.