Fighting Suicide

i can hear the roll-up door at the back of the truck    
bouncing up and down    
people are honking    
i forgot to latch it shut again    
i don't care    
i hate this job    
   
i'm wondering    
if a .380 against my temple would kill me    
or just hurt like hell    
   
there's a homeless guy on the corner    
beating a lamppost with a tent pole    
and with an expression    
somewhere between mental illness    
and happiness    
maybe it's both    
   
could i be happy?    
   
i deal with my loneliness    
by stalking a lady on the internet    
someone i knew some years ago    
that i've come to admire    
i obsesse over her    
i sent the friend request with a fake name    
it felt wrong    
   
   
it all feels wrong    
   
   
i wonder    
if maybe one day    
i could pass out at the wheel    
and wake up in another life

I walk the line between confidence and suicide, A delicate balance, a tightrope to abide.

One step too far, and the fall is so deep, The darkness below, a secret I keep.

The world sees my strength, my unwavering stride, But inside, a battle rages, a war I can't hide.

Confidence, a mask I wear with such grace, Hiding the turmoil that dwells in this place.

The line is so thin, a razor's edge to tread, Uncertainty looms, a constant dread.

Yet, I press on, determined to find my way, Hoping to reach the light of a brighter day.

The knife that has cut me
recollects pain
My blood, the wine of sorrow
spills for each rank thought
and one sip lost to the seller of morrow
 
The rope I twine into a noose
complicates me
Seven coils to rid the toils of woe
Delve into the spaces between the fibres
And scribe your thoughts on each strand
Lest the words be forgotten
 
This pistol has planted a seed
A revolving simmer  
The ground swells under its conclusion
Bloom for me
Swoon for me
Blossom in this shallow dusk
Climax at twilight to close its husk
 
The water that I sink into
coats my breath  
My body saturates
as moist azure wrinkles my skin  
The liquid light of the darkest hue
lay ripples in my vision
 
The choices fate hands me
has yet to abandon me
Quiet lyrics writ my heart with euphoria  
these thoughts of finality wove into my breath
to lecture this flesh
into permanence
 
The end I have tailored  
sutures my soul to this pelt  
My fabric in tatters
draped onto my bones  
stifling the chill of repentance
 
These hands hold my circumstance
This mind bolds my dance
These eyes glance at envy with pry  
Save not a wish for me
as I settle this artful drone  

 
Problem is, I forgot how to sit still. Even when the tide is low and the wind subsides, I feel the need to consume…be it content, canna, alcohol, drama. Or just take the simple solution.

Can’t rest anymore. Can’t sleep without pills. Can’t function without amphetamines. Can’t learn without guidance. Can’t be comfortable in my own skin. Not comfortable with this mind.

I trust no one. Especially not myself.

Goodbye.

It's what you want
I'm disappearing
but you can't see that,
not at your distance

They're saying it was too quick
ribs showing
stomach inverted
skin hanging
but my collar bone is looking perfectly 90's
it's hard to not enjoy the discomfort

stress kills
loneliness kills
my hand is more deft

I'm glad my light is fading
I can drop the pretense of permissible par
I can surpass the darkness into disregard

I will be forgotten
and I am grateful
you will recover
and you will be great

Do not remember me,
actively
Oh, please don't listen

Despite the time
the care
what I thought was generosity

I'm under water now
and back to work soon
it won't be long
and I'll take my way out

Oh, what becomes of a hominid brain  
when the heaven of pleasure takes a stroll  
and daily logistics seem like a drain  
that drags away what is left of a soul  
and meaning is lost in an endless sky  
that seems to serve only to suck or blow  
so harshly that even a stone could cry  
and melt down into Hell's magmatic flow  
where hopes are all turned into poison pills  
rudely injected into cracks of doom  
like the way a vein can fissure cheap thrills    
for a dying artery's final flume,  
as if it were a bargain to borrow...  
an entire future...to pay for sorrow?

Opener of the Vein
      "Your mama went through uncomfortable pain for nine months
Just for your stupid ass to end it all with a cut,
      "The uncomfortable sting dancing across flesh
Is this your fucking best, for an eternal rest?
      "A slow release, alone and in personal silence
Chaos a distance away-limited hurt, with zero violence,
      "Or go to the blood bank and tell em' to drain your ass dry
At least serve a purpose, if you want to bleed out and die".

Trigger Thinker
      "9mm, AR15, granddaddy's old shotgun or 357
Finger fuck the trigger and punch your ticket to hell or heaven,
      "Have you thought about the wonders your dead ass will behold
Not much thinking when your head has an extra motherfuckin hole,
      "But the ones you left behind will do the thinking for you
Never truly understanding what your coward ass went through,
      "With a split decision you decided to end it all
Now your fucking bullshit is being scrubbed off the bedroom wall".

The Pill Twerker
      "Various colorful medications all lined up like at a candy store
Just waiting for you to become a pill popping whore,
      "Kool-Aid, water, liquor or whatever used to wash it down
Your throat swallowing will be the only verification sound,
      "Oh shit! One of the pills refuse to travel with the others
Another swig. Okay there it go-the stubborn motherfucker,
      "Now the only thing to do is play the waiting game
While your internal organs and weak mind drive you insane".

Bottom Feeder
      "You know a motherfucka was never born with natural flight
But you will make sure the head and concrete will bloody fight,
      "Deciding a while ago to make this a one-time shit show
In a few seconds your body falls and life will permanently go,
      "No turning back-yeah motherfucka too goddamn late
The countdown is on for you to feel your splattered fate,
      "The dive will not get you an Olympic gold metal
But scooped up off the pavement with a rusty shovel".

Ending
             "My feelings about suicide-many will say I'm not right
Also eliminating your life long experiences for that eternal night,
      "When all seem lost-remember strength in oneself is left
Don't ever take the cowards exit and fight until your last breath".