deepundergroundpoetry.com
please comment on this poem
Waves are crashing
like my tears
but these waves
wont disappear
im giving up
Im drowning now
Can you please help me up
can you please
help me out?
I just wanna
get back
to the surface
I just wanna
for once
not feel worthless
I just wanna feel alive
I just wanna
not die
I just wanna
swim through the water
I just wanna
not
be bait for a slaughter
can you please,help me out
I shouldnt have to
scream or shout
JUST.LISTEN
TO ME
HELP ME
FIND
MY OWN
REMEDY
like my tears
but these waves
wont disappear
im giving up
Im drowning now
Can you please help me up
can you please
help me out?
I just wanna
get back
to the surface
I just wanna
for once
not feel worthless
I just wanna feel alive
I just wanna
not die
I just wanna
swim through the water
I just wanna
not
be bait for a slaughter
can you please,help me out
I shouldnt have to
scream or shout
JUST.LISTEN
TO ME
HELP ME
FIND
MY OWN
REMEDY
Published 9th Sep 2014
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
9th Sep 2014 6:19am
Help me find my own remedy.
I relate, in a sense, always looking for some sort of answer, yet the answers we really need find us, if one pauses.
For honest critique, I dislike when people use poor grammar- "I just wanna", I feel like your poem would be more meaningful if you reviewed and re-wrote the lines where you used that saying.
But that's just me.
Write on.
I relate, in a sense, always looking for some sort of answer, yet the answers we really need find us, if one pauses.
For honest critique, I dislike when people use poor grammar- "I just wanna", I feel like your poem would be more meaningful if you reviewed and re-wrote the lines where you used that saying.
But that's just me.
Write on.
10th Sep 2014 4:48pm
I feel like the use of syntax in the term "I just wanna," adds to the poem by personalization, because you read it differently in your head than "I just want to." That's just me though.
I really especially like the lines "I just wanna swim through the water I just wanna not be bait for a slaughter." That's a cool rhyme and I think it gives good imagery of struggling not to drown when shit weighs you down (unintentional rhyme here). Great poem.
I really especially like the lines "I just wanna swim through the water I just wanna not be bait for a slaughter." That's a cool rhyme and I think it gives good imagery of struggling not to drown when shit weighs you down (unintentional rhyme here). Great poem.
