deepundergroundpoetry.com
Now what is left of me?
You make life slightly less dull.
With a smile of deception
Your eyes flicker
A slow stream
Of unknown reflection
Pacing our hearts
With a dagger for a knife
With a strike of uncertainty
That's a Constant reminder
Of the scars and wounds
You left half way open
To rot and become a certain part of me I hate
With a smile of deception
Your eyes flicker
A slow stream
Of unknown reflection
Pacing our hearts
With a dagger for a knife
With a strike of uncertainty
That's a Constant reminder
Of the scars and wounds
You left half way open
To rot and become a certain part of me I hate
Published 29th Mar 2013
| Edited 30th Mar 2013
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 2
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Mar 2013 11:28pm
Thoroughly enjoyed in my present frame of mind. Your words appear to roll off my tongue with ease, as though I already knew them.
The second Stanza makes me stumble upon reaching its fourth line. To me it should read:
Pacing our hearts
With a dagger for a knife
With a strike of uncertainty
That's a Constant reminder
I also find something missing from the delivery of your poems closing line. I really don't have the words to express exactly what I mean but I simply find it misses an Umphhh that your poem appears to deserve. Anticlimax would be too strong a word for what I mean but I do find that it kind of falls flat. I believe you could deliver it more effectively.
I have really enjoyed reading your poem. It resonates with me and I think its well written. :)
The second Stanza makes me stumble upon reaching its fourth line. To me it should read:
Pacing our hearts
With a dagger for a knife
With a strike of uncertainty
That's a Constant reminder
I also find something missing from the delivery of your poems closing line. I really don't have the words to express exactly what I mean but I simply find it misses an Umphhh that your poem appears to deserve. Anticlimax would be too strong a word for what I mean but I do find that it kind of falls flat. I believe you could deliver it more effectively.
I have really enjoyed reading your poem. It resonates with me and I think its well written. :)
30th Mar 2013 00:10am
