Sitting

Long times and ways
having to fight
love, fuck
give                take, taking

glancing all over the place
checking if things are alright
safe enough to relax
cry

it's been very rare for me to find this in my life
space
to
collapse into breath

searching for space, space
to let go and follow
follow on
and follow the start

to honour the echo                       loud things
made of energy
loud buzzing
dead numb spaces                              buzzing

watching people walking
up stairs
avoiding each other, pushing
past pasts

the money
for the food has moved in my pocket
reminding me to feed myself
again. Always again.

this endless follow on called life
living, guilted into doing
something, somewhere
for someone, me

perhaps.

Is this fukin it? I know its not but, Is this fukin it?
then I rest on the plastic seats
fiddling with the moved money, willing myself to scream out loud
STOP!

I want the world to stop for one minute
just so I can go crazy, violently crazy
killing and smashing and burning and slashing and stabbing 
then just before the time runs out I can breathe and cry all of it away 

without
being seen
to be weak                          honest perhaps
any label you can brand on me, avoiding

I could then sit on the plastic again
writing my shopping lists
counting my money
smiling, as I encourage you to sit next to me

talk and laugh with me                       mention the weather, sales
maybe take a medium coke together
as we glance through the magazine at our smiles and positive needy body languages, learned

then walk off into the weather together
the sunshine and rain
the fallen pennies
the crying eyes and open mouths