A Shit-Load of Complaining

There are some days when
I can't take it anymore.
There are some days
When breathing isn't
Worth it to me. Today
Is just one of those
Many days I have to
Go through like that.
I don't even know why.
Nothing bad even happened
To me today that would
Make me feel as much
Pain and loneliness as I
Do at this moment.

Why here? Why now?
It doesn't make sense.
I've been avoiding all
Of my friends. I've been
Angry for no reason. I
Would blame it on
"Womanly" reasons but
That just isn't true.
There is something
Inside of me eating
Me up and I just
Figured out that it's
You. I think.
Well, lying to you
Right to your face.
That hurts me more
Than anything.

I don't even know why
I lie to you as much as
I do. Often times I don't
Even have a motive.
I say it just for the sake
Of lying. It doesn't make
Sense. Maybe I like the
Feeling of having tricked
You, but that doesn't
Seem quite right.
Maybe I like the idea
Of knocking you down
And keeping you there.
Maybe I like that look
On your face when I
Lie. I don't know. I just
Don't know.

I guess I'm going to be
That first person
Who hurts you. I'm
Going to be your very
First heartbreak and
Subconsciously I get
Some sick sort of
Pleasure knowing it.
It just doesn't feel
Right to me. I know
That I just can't keep
Pretending and lying
And sitting there
Pretending I give a
Damn to what you're
Saying to me. I don't.

You deserve so much
Better. You need
Someone who'll listen
To you. You need
Someone who's day
Doesn't suck for
Absolutely no
Reason. You don't
Want me. You may
Think you do but
I could move on.
I could leave you
Right now if I
Wanted. It just
Isn't fair to you that
I don't even like you.

I have no reason
To be with you. It's
Nice to have someone
Smile and say I'm
Pretty, but I still
Don't believe you.
I don't believe you
Because you aren't
Him. The truth is
That my heart
Has always belonged
To another. Not even
For a moment did I
Think that would
Change. You simply
Are not the one for
Me.

I'm just going to
Keep lying and you
Are going to keep
Falling and falling
Even harder for me
When I won't catch you.
I'm sorry, but I just
Won't. I'm not
Going to be your
Angel when I play
You like a harp.
You sing and you
Sing but I still
Care nothing for you.
Nothing at all.

I should probably
Leave you. I need to
Let you be free. I
Need to stop the
Lies. I'm so
Fucking selfish that
I'm staying. I know
That it will never
Work out in the
Long term and you
Are a great guy.
You are more than
I will ever deserve.

You just let me keep
Using and abusing you
Because you want me
To feel better. You
Actually care about
Me and I give you close
To nothing in return.
I don't even hold your
Hand or hug you back.
I stand there and I wait
For it to be over,
Because it still reminds
Me of the other boy.
The other boy that
I hope you never become.

I hope you stay this
Happy, innocent boy
That can move on
Because one day I'm
Going to find a reason
To leave you. I just do
Not have one right
Now. That's the only
Thing keeping us
Together. I guess I
Just don't want to be
Happy. You make me
So happy and I treat
You like trash.

I wish I could
Just be heartless and
Walk away for no
Good reason but I
Can't. I stay because
Leaving you would
Break your heart, and
I can't be with you
Because I'm just
Hurting you. It's all
I can do to return a
Simple greeting. I
Can't even look at you.

My day just sucks.
I'm stuck being beside
You for now. Well, I
Wouldn't call it stuck,
Just unhappy. I'm
Unhappy because you
Make me so happy.
When are you going
To notice you're with
Such a fucked up girl?
I wish you would be
The one to break up
With me so that you
Could go with a
Little bit of dignity.

You could say I'm your
Crazy ex and that you
Are glad you dumped
Me. You could pretend
That I didn't break
Your heart like I know
That I'm going to. And
Knowing this hurts
Me more than almost
Anything. I remember
What my first heartache
Felt like and I don't want
To ever make you feel
That low.

I just keep bitching and
Moaning about my
Own problems lately.
Probably because my
Day is just awful for
No good reason. I'm
Always like this and I
Always have no good
Reason to be the way
I am. I don't need a
Reason, I need some
Sort of excuse to have
Such self-pity.