deepundergroundpoetry.com
Fallen; Dark Passenger
Spiraling downwards
She hits the ground
Laying in pain
I hear her sounds
She cries in despair
As she reaches out
I see a light, not too far off
Souls flee through a narrow crevasse.
I feel my soul start to rise
Freedom is near.
For her corpse lay bloody
I leave this dark place in fear.
Jousted into the afterlife
I see her lay lifeless
As others wander,
I stay and try to revive her.
Demons circle and lurk
I try to wake her, I do not look.
Before I know it,
A demon strikes.
He slashes my soul
He takes my pride.
His slash burtns cold
I howl in anger as I take my form
My power returns,
A Dark Passenger once more.
She hits the ground
Laying in pain
I hear her sounds
She cries in despair
As she reaches out
I see a light, not too far off
Souls flee through a narrow crevasse.
I feel my soul start to rise
Freedom is near.
For her corpse lay bloody
I leave this dark place in fear.
Jousted into the afterlife
I see her lay lifeless
As others wander,
I stay and try to revive her.
Demons circle and lurk
I try to wake her, I do not look.
Before I know it,
A demon strikes.
He slashes my soul
He takes my pride.
His slash burtns cold
I howl in anger as I take my form
My power returns,
A Dark Passenger once more.
Published 26th Dec 2012
| Edited 17th Jul 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
27th Dec 2012 5:44am
So we have a story going here...A couple things, if you're interested...lines 10-12 are a little confusing with the punctuation, and with the word "For" in line 11. So, her corpse is laying bloody, and is that why freedom is near, or is it why you leave in fear? In line 16 you "worry to tend her wounds." How does worrying act to tend wounds? The word "worrying" actually used to mean something like "throttling" or "strangling" in older English. Now it just means something harsher than "being concerned." Also, if her corpse--her "corpse"--her dead body was laying bloody, why are you attempting to tend to her wounds? Are there spiritual wounds in this afterlife that still need healing? And in line 12, maybe you could say something that clarifies more that you start to leave, not that you leave, as you do end up staying. Um...does the demon have to "hit" your soul? It's just not a very interesting word here, not specific enough. Does the demon slash your soul, or stab your soul, or skewer your soul? Is it hot or cold when the demon strikes you? Just little bits that would really add more flavor to this piece.
Anonymous
28th Dec 2012 1:11am
The above is a rather thorough critique so I wont venture there. Ill simply say well done and look to your other pieces.
