deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Unkept Promise
Inside I have these feeling torn
When I had you I felt reborn
When I lost you, it all caved in
I retreated to my old sins
Half of me wants you back badly
The other is filled with hate so madly
I take these pills so I can sleep at night
So there will be no demons to fight
I write down my feelings so no one will see
The future of me and what ill be
I hide behind a clever mask
it has become a difficult task
I keep remembering the things you said
it follows me from morning till bed
it fells like a dull knife to my heart
to know that we have to be apart
I never even got to say goodbye
Instead I just let my emotions fly
The things inside that make me dead
Is the unkept promise that you said
When I had you I felt reborn
When I lost you, it all caved in
I retreated to my old sins
Half of me wants you back badly
The other is filled with hate so madly
I take these pills so I can sleep at night
So there will be no demons to fight
I write down my feelings so no one will see
The future of me and what ill be
I hide behind a clever mask
it has become a difficult task
I keep remembering the things you said
it follows me from morning till bed
it fells like a dull knife to my heart
to know that we have to be apart
I never even got to say goodbye
Instead I just let my emotions fly
The things inside that make me dead
Is the unkept promise that you said
Published 24th Dec 2012
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Dec 2012 6:12am
You asked for honest critique so here I go. This poem is deep, but it's hindered greatly by it having to rhyme. It really doesn't need to.
Also, you should talk a lot more about how all of this makes you feel. Talk about how it makes you feel to have to hide your emotions; how awful it is to resort to pills just to ease your pain. It would be better for the reader to know how you feel in order to connect with the poem.
Another issue I have with the poem is that this is a "love" poem that never mentions the one you love. I'd suggest fixing that. Talk about the promise they made or you made that was not kept (hence the title).
It's a great start for a new member of DUP. Believe me, we all didn't start out as Shakespeare. Nice :)
Yours truly,
Denythelove
Also, you should talk a lot more about how all of this makes you feel. Talk about how it makes you feel to have to hide your emotions; how awful it is to resort to pills just to ease your pain. It would be better for the reader to know how you feel in order to connect with the poem.
Another issue I have with the poem is that this is a "love" poem that never mentions the one you love. I'd suggest fixing that. Talk about the promise they made or you made that was not kept (hence the title).
It's a great start for a new member of DUP. Believe me, we all didn't start out as Shakespeare. Nice :)
Yours truly,
Denythelove
24th Dec 2012 6:15am
24th Dec 2012 6:31am
Anonymous
- Edited 1st May 2021 7:45am
24th Dec 2012 6:56am
<< post removed >>
29th Dec 2012 1:21pm
31st Dec 2012 11:49pm
Hi from another newbie...I love the rhyming and your use of it to accentuate your message. And I wouldn't change any of it any more than I would change the Mona Lisa's smile.In other words Poems should be enigmatic to make the reader think.
