my life.

my name is chelsea, im a fuck-up-aholic
i have a disease and they dont know what to call it

ok so im not really addicted im just experimenting
im powerless and my life is unmanageable
addiction runs in my blood so i might just run with it
im at this point where i guess i should know better.
better. better. what the fuck you mean better?  
like i need to be better, like i need to think better?
i hate that word, better.
am i not enough? are my thoughts bad?
is everything im doing just makin you mad?
lemme tell ya, i know im fuckin up
i know im losin it and im just givin up
dont wanna be a third generation addict/alcoholic
but seems its my destiny to be a fuckin dramaholic
how am i supposed to live my life being afraid of drugs?
how am i supposed to stay sober and clean my whole life?
not many people respect the ones who never tried
the ones who kept it clean and never fucked up once
we respect the ones who been strugglin for months
the ones that got addicted, fought addiction, overcame addiction
the alcoholic whose urge has been taken away from him
the addict who can pass up a spliff
the ones with experience and stories
their struggles and their worries
they have so much character and its amazing how good its going

i mean, good for you that you never did drugs
and good for you that you aint been fucked up
you never lost your wallet, always had your license
not one car accident, always a sober mindset
you never lost your family, never lost your car
never got too violent or kicked out of the bar
never stole your moms money just to get your weekly fix
never told lies, never made a list
of all the people you done wrong because you always did right
never had to watch your back, never been in a fight

now, im just a kid, cutting a few too many classes
and stole some sunglasses
smokin a little too much weed a little too often
couldnt get off it
but i wouldnt say im addicted i'd just rather be lit
i dont wanna disappoint and i dont wanna fail
but if you keep talkin im gonna have to bail
i crave that life of chaos and struggle and madness
rather have an eventful life than one full of sadness
i know the high wont last long and i'll want another hit
but i dont wanna go through life not knowing how to live it
tryna have a little fun and break a few rules
talkin about dont know what im gonna do
but if i hit that pipe, pop a pill, do that right
bottle in a paper bag, blunt in my hand
they just cant believe it, thought i'd never be this
they thought i'd make a better choice
thought i'd hear their voice
whispering "fuck the rest, you need the best"
i wanna forget that addiction exists
i want a chance to fuck up
and not have it in the back of my mind
that i've really fucked up this time
to say i didnt know it would end up like this
it may sound stupid, fuck, it is stupid
it just sucks knowin if i get caught up its all my fault
they'll look at me like "i cant believe what you've become
swore you were gonna be someone"
it'll be worse than what my brother did
i'll be the biggest disappointment cuz im expected to succeed
but i think i'll move to Half Moon Bay
and live my life on the beach.