The Chemo Diaries

1st entry 5 November 2012

First I want to say that I understand that hindsight is 20/20 and yes the outcome may have been the same, but thanks to the inept Dr’s in a town that I won’t mention, we will never know.
Second Yes I understand the stages of grief and yes I’m stuck in the anger phase, I’m doing the best I can to move on and who knows...maybe these rants will help me do that.

Third I am not naive enough to think my parents are going to live forever, although I truly wish they would, I guess it’s the manner of death that may take my father that I find so grotesquely unfair.

I guess I should start at the beginning….My dad was born the usual way to usual parents in a usual town, he went to high school, got drafted, married my mom and the rest as they say is history.
My father is not a big “got to go to the doctor” kind of person and it usually takes something major to
Get him to go. So when he does go to the Dr There is something very wrong. So when he began to think that there was something wrong he went to the Dr in that unnamed town.

It took several visits and NEVER was the correct diagnoses found. They would give him a colonoscopy and say he was fine. They would give him medication to help him sleep and told him he was fine. Gave him depression medications and told him he was fine. He had a growth removed from his body and the all knowing Dr’s kind of shrugged and said they didn’t know what it was but did NOT send it into a lab, after all why would they care it’s not their father dying right? And the pain he was feeling, the fact that he couldn’t swallow and felt pressure in his lower chest, one would think a scope would be in order but once again NOPE.

So, a couple of months ago he began vomiting blood. My mother rushed him to the hospital and finally
Someone began to suspect that his symptoms were not only in his head. Meanwhile at the “quack factory” they had to give my dad 2 blood transfusions so NOW they decide to give him a scope and when they did they found what they called “suspicious spots”. A biopsy was obtained and sent in.

On a Monday the test results were back and the diagnosis was esophageal cancer. So this poor excuse of a medical facility set up an appointment in Omaha that took about a week to get into. Once at the hospital in Omaha, the dr walked in and said I’m not sure why they sent you to me. He did not take care of the diagnosis that my dad was given …so once AGAIN…back to the drawing board.

Finally he was referred to a dr in Creighton Nebraska. The doctor did a CAT scan and told my parents that
The tumor had grown too large to fast and that surgery was out of the question and so was radiation as
That would just make him sicker. They then did refer him to the June E Nyland Cancer Center. I cannot begin to shout their praises enoug their kindness,encouragement, and professionalism will never be forgotten and will always be appreciated. And shortly after that appointment he was admitted to a hospital in Sioux City to begin his chemo. In the mean time, we were informed that the tumor had probably been there for 6 months or more. So there sits my father for a total of 2 months before anything could begin becuase of the incompetent doctors and staff...yep all of the staff from the receptionist who thinks she's nurse to the Doctors who should only be receptionists for the clinic/hospital. Two months lost.

So here begins my ANGRY RANT:
1. If a scope was done earlier would they have caught it sooner?
2. If the so called Doctors would have believed my dad and taken his complaints seriously and correctly diagnosed him the 1st time would the outcome be the same?
3. If the tumor had been found earlier would there have been surgery and radiation and his chances would be better?

I know there are a lot of "ifs” in the equation and hindsight being what it is, I still can’t help but think my dad would have a better fighting chance and now we will never know.

So here is the biggest thing that pisses me off, I have talked to a lot of people who say the same thing about this medical facility over and over again. So what I do not understand is how a crappy clinic/hospital like that can stay in business when they just give out random diagnoses instead of what the symptoms dictate?

and now the hardest questions:

How do you begin to tell your father goodbye?

How do you find the strength to accept it?

How do you get over the anger at the medical staff for taking precious years with my dad away from us? Now my family has to cram year’s worth of life into one short year possibly.

How can Drs basically shrug their shoulders and act like oh well it’s not my dad after all?

How do you sit and watch your father in agony without blaming the missed diagnosis and the medical staff responsible for it all?

How do you act when people say the wrong things?

How do you react to people who say that a year is a long time? Don’t they know that no it’s not a long time and don’t they know I still need my daddy?

How do you stop thinking about what that year will be like for dad, will it be relatively pain free or will he linger and suffer?

And finally how do you ever accept the finality of it?ust want to scream when people say “it’s all in god’s plan”. I want to scream so gods plan is to give this horrible disease, plans for you to waist away in pain and plans to rip you from your family way too soon?
This does not sound like any god I have any desire to my faith in or ask or beg please don’t take my daddy so soon.

It seems to me this “god” always takes takes takes, where are all of the supposed miracles and why isn’t my father deserving of one?

How do you explain to people that some days you’re so sad and depressed you can barely get out of bed?
And when you do all you can manage to do is cry.

How do you stay strong when you see your dad with his feeding tube and his pain and not break down sobbing?

Maybe I’m a weak person and will never find out the answers to my questions. There are days when I’m beginning to accept it, but then I get so angry again and I can’t seem to get passed that. My emotions range from almost hatred of the lousy doctors to tears that hit me from out of nowhere to being so sad that it almost crushes you.

People say it will get better, get better how? Better when he is finally out of pain? Better when he is gone forever? How can it possibly get BETTER?

I do have some wonderful understanding and inspirational friends who are always there when I need them. But there are days when I’m almost crushed by the realization of the situation over and over and over again.

And then there is my WONDERFUL TONY. I honestly don’t think that I could make it without him. I don’t think I could ever put into words or explain how much I love and need him. He has been my rock that I cling to when this all becomes too much. I try so hard not to break down too much in front of him because he does EVERYTHING for me and I don’t want to be a burden to him emotionally. I try to keep my sobbing break downs to when he is at work because I want him to keep believing I am that same strong woman that he fell in love with , when my dirty secret is that when it comes to my family I am not strong at all