deepundergroundpoetry.com
Vainly In Pain
Vainly in pain
It's a shame we're the same
You know you really don't get me,
From the moment you came
You've been trying to control me,
Bare hands trying to hold me,
Shouldn't have believed when you told me
We're alone till I'm old.
Always there in the mirror
No appetite for dinner
Just eating my insides
Fill my head up with your lies
Think I'll let you get stronger
If you starve me for longer,
Eating my insides
Fill my head up with your lies
And we're looking through the same eyes
It's each other we despise
So vainly in pain
Damn us being the same.
It's a shame we're the same
You know you really don't get me,
From the moment you came
You've been trying to control me,
Bare hands trying to hold me,
Shouldn't have believed when you told me
We're alone till I'm old.
Always there in the mirror
No appetite for dinner
Just eating my insides
Fill my head up with your lies
Think I'll let you get stronger
If you starve me for longer,
Eating my insides
Fill my head up with your lies
And we're looking through the same eyes
It's each other we despise
So vainly in pain
Damn us being the same.
Published 9th Oct 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
9th Oct 2012 6:36pm
Yeah this meaning is on point. Even with strangers you can feel this way.
Welcome newbie
Welcome newbie
9th Oct 2012 6:46pm
I think you should, just as a exercise, try reworking this without the rhyme. I found the rhyme distracting, and I think without it you can really construct the lines in a way that leads to a more dramatic movement of the tempo then I think you have right now. Right now, I tend to stop the line at the rhyme, and it throws me off. Other then that I think its a solid idea. Try some more drafts and see what you come up with.
ok, cool thanks for your ideas, i think we probably all read things in a slightly different way, when i read this or even speak it out loud i do ity quickly, it keeps rolling if that makes sence, without any breaks it keeps flowing, i think that has something to do without how i felt writing it, like i wanted to get my thoughts out quickly just shout them out, if that makes sense! Actually i didnt write it with alot in mind other than just putting to paper what i was feeling, needed to get alot of hurt out and this was the result. xxx
