deepundergroundpoetry.com
Condense
When I need you
I know
You won’t be there
You are like breathing
My lungs labour to keep
You within the cage of bones
Next to the warmth of my heart.
When I have to release you
In a sigh
A ghost of a hope
The icy mist of smoke
Condensation on the chilled window
Within you I draw a heart
It weeps our initialsSmudged
Like our identity
My fingerprints remain pressed against the pane
All remnants of you drops of moisture
That I press a parody of a kiss to my lips
I know
You are not here
Not when I need you
I know
You won’t be there
You are like breathing
My lungs labour to keep
You within the cage of bones
Next to the warmth of my heart.
When I have to release you
In a sigh
A ghost of a hope
The icy mist of smoke
Condensation on the chilled window
Within you I draw a heart
It weeps our initialsSmudged
Like our identity
My fingerprints remain pressed against the pane
All remnants of you drops of moisture
That I press a parody of a kiss to my lips
I know
You are not here
Not when I need you
Published 10th Apr 2010
| Edited 27th Nov 2010
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
4th Nov 2010 9:51pm
Hey, this is just fine. I like your poems when you are describing well, and this is a good example. The line "it weeps our initials smudged", needs work, maybe just a re-order of the words? Also, be clear about the full-stops, and why you are using. I think it would actually roll a bit better if you left them out...a tidier look?
For such a young writer you show very good control...keep reading :-)
For such a young writer you show very good control...keep reading :-)
27th Nov 2010 6:47pm
thank you so much for commmenting and i will take all your suggestions into account when editing:) thanks
3rd Mar 2012 4:36am
