deepundergroundpoetry.com
Filthy Graffitico
You are a sexual innuendo in this
Burnt out paradise--
PLAGIArIST!
InFORmanT!
We can argue back and forth, but does that
Lilting British accent make you right?
a bum living off the beach hitting on
blow-up dolls and nOnconscience. We never gave
a fuck about the Sun, merciless entity
Lying to us about a beautiful Summer
In technicolor fantasy.
But we think the shades can protect us
From the truth
The senile TOuRisTs vacationing with their last
Breath, contemplating suicide As they watch
the reckless youth rushing towards
the toxic ocean, foaming at the mouth
To SWALLow us all, but ebbs in decision
From the stench of lazy swelter. We fight
Over the last hot dog; there's a used condom
stUck to the bottom of her sandal; fun is
Teethered to a puke green volleyBall.
Tonight, we'll connect at the bonfire_sacrificing
unto the goblet wet tongues and some fat, sweaty
guy lying subversively under a toppled
sandcastle; and you,
a bum living off the graffitico
of it all, beyond these
popped balloons marooned in
our same static.
Burnt out paradise--
PLAGIArIST!
InFORmanT!
We can argue back and forth, but does that
Lilting British accent make you right?
a bum living off the beach hitting on
blow-up dolls and nOnconscience. We never gave
a fuck about the Sun, merciless entity
Lying to us about a beautiful Summer
In technicolor fantasy.
But we think the shades can protect us
From the truth
The senile TOuRisTs vacationing with their last
Breath, contemplating suicide As they watch
the reckless youth rushing towards
the toxic ocean, foaming at the mouth
To SWALLow us all, but ebbs in decision
From the stench of lazy swelter. We fight
Over the last hot dog; there's a used condom
stUck to the bottom of her sandal; fun is
Teethered to a puke green volleyBall.
Tonight, we'll connect at the bonfire_sacrificing
unto the goblet wet tongues and some fat, sweaty
guy lying subversively under a toppled
sandcastle; and you,
a bum living off the graffitico
of it all, beyond these
popped balloons marooned in
our same static.
Published 24th Jun 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 10
reads 788
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
24th Jun 2012 1:28pm
How funny! Someone is obsessed with Christian. :) I just want to say, if you call this poetry, then it is garbage. You were to busy trying to fit certain words in there that just don't belong. There is no rhythym whatsoever, and your perseption is poor.
Good Show.
Good Show.
24th Jun 2012 2:59pm
Danii, I really don't see this as a critique but your childish way to join in a friends' club. It's absolutely silly, and if we (you, me, Gemini) are going to continue this silliness, we can take it to some silly thread. Period.
24th Jun 2012 2:53pm
Thank you, Gemini, for your critiques; I do appreciate it. However this poem is NOT for you--it is in dedication to my washed up family and relatives, who will be meeting in St. Louis for a family reunion July 18th. Lol Basically it's an explanation why I DON'T want to go! I liked your signature (albeit, quoted from Axl Rose), and I composed it into a poem. Maybe the scattered caps and impromptu indents were a bit unwarranted-- but hence the title, 'Filthy Graffitico'; I tried putting a little art work despite the monotonous type. Anyway, I'll probably have to delete and remake this altogether if it will leave such confusions.
24th Jun 2012 3:02pm
I was just offering my critique, if you can't handle it then don't post. I was just saying you need to look through and remove all extra unnecessary words, it seems like you're trying too hard to add fancier words.
24th Jun 2012 3:08pm
No you didn't. The first thing you blurted out is an accusation of me being obsessed with Gemini Christian; which exposed you from the start. And no sooner than I'm making a second. comment you're back on here, PMing me on the critiques???? Back to the crush threads.
24th Jun 2012 3:04pm
P.S. To Gemini, this a bit Out of line for the critiques page, but oh well, you really are an egomaniac, because I never read ANY of your poems(though now I will from blatant curiosity) what have you. Before I say something dirty, I'll meet you in one of those crush threads, okay?
"contemplating suicide As they watch
the reckless youth rushing towards
the toxic ocean, foaming at the mouth
To SWALLow us all, but ebbs in decision
From the stench of lazy swelter." - this is fantastic use.. in fact, much better than many i've seen for the sea.
if i were you, i wouldn't capitalize the first letter of the line breaks unless it was the start of a new sentence, but the inbetween caps, on words you're trying to emphasize go well with the title. you seem to already know rules before you break them, and this reads so well out loud. typo on "tethered". keep on. [:
p.s. please, commenters, keep comments such as "this is garbage" to yourselves. that's not constructive critique.
the reckless youth rushing towards
the toxic ocean, foaming at the mouth
To SWALLow us all, but ebbs in decision
From the stench of lazy swelter." - this is fantastic use.. in fact, much better than many i've seen for the sea.
if i were you, i wouldn't capitalize the first letter of the line breaks unless it was the start of a new sentence, but the inbetween caps, on words you're trying to emphasize go well with the title. you seem to already know rules before you break them, and this reads so well out loud. typo on "tethered". keep on. [:
p.s. please, commenters, keep comments such as "this is garbage" to yourselves. that's not constructive critique.
24th Jun 2012 3:54pm
I loved it, but it does need some editing, the lay out took away from your words, I'd double space your lines too, for more impact on the message, lets it seep into the reader's mind and get what you're saying.
24th Jun 2012 5:17pm
