Why?

  Tonight the thoughts in my head are bouncing around out of

control, more than usual. So many feelings trying to be played

out and I don't know which way to go.


 Do I take the feelings in the right hand? The ones that say I

need to be the good Christian girl I was brought up to be, love

everyone and hate no one, treat everyone with kindness, be good,

behave, be mature, make the responsible decisions, stuff all

hateful feelings away and never let them show, forgive and

forget, give it all up to God and then let him handle it.


 Or do I take the feelings in my left hand? The ones that let

me feel good for awhile and then bring the pain later? I'd give

anything for a hit from my favorite drug, a bottle of tequila, a

young dumb boy to fuck (sorry but its the truth), a loaded gun

with an extra clip fully loaded with a target I can destroy, a

good fight where I am not the one getting hit but the one doing

the hitting, a room where I can put my fist throught the walls.


Why can't my head be full of feelings that are middle ground?

The ones where I can feel loved and love back, where I accept

instead of questioning every single word I hear or write, where

I can be happy, really happy and not have to ask, okay when does

this go away and the bad things replace the good, where I don't

crave the things I once had an addiction for, where I can learn

how to let go of all the hatred that my past has left in my

soul, where I can say I am worthy, I am someone important, I am

a child of God who has never left me; I pushed him away, I want

to smile and laugh because I truly feel those feelings not

because I know its what I am suppose to be doing, I want to wake

up every morning knowing that I am loved by the one man that God

has sent for me to love and be loved by, I want to sleep more

than a few hours every night, I want to be able to eat more than

once a day and be able to keep it down longer than a few

minutes, I want to find peace between my head, heart and soul

but mostly I just want him to love me.