deepundergroundpoetry.com
Broken
No day goes by
without thought of suicide
I miss you, though the thought's not mutual
i feel as I had been trampled
Like a sweet, sweet rose
you left me in the dust
This grave, where I lay
wishing to see your face
No one to wipe the tears away
and as I lay on my deathbed
I thought I heard your voice
I was mistaken
You never came.
without thought of suicide
I miss you, though the thought's not mutual
i feel as I had been trampled
Like a sweet, sweet rose
you left me in the dust
This grave, where I lay
wishing to see your face
No one to wipe the tears away
and as I lay on my deathbed
I thought I heard your voice
I was mistaken
You never came.
Published 12th Jun 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
13th Jun 2012 6:30am
13th Jun 2012 7:56am
2nd Sep 2012 10:01pm
Very solid work. The interwoven metaphor of a rose on a grave gives a lot of impact. However, I would work on embracing that lyrical mood that you have very strongly in the middle, keeping it consistent. Don't be afraid to get fancy with your word choice.
Keep up the good work.
Keep up the good work.
