deepundergroundpoetry.com
Drip, drip, drip...
Drip, drip, drip...
He was lying in his bed listening to the shower slowly leaking.
Drip, drip... Creak...
Someone must’ve gotten up and turned it off. He could still hear a slight echo of it in his head, a constant, slow tapping. He rolled over, burying his face in the pillows, wiping off the tears which have settled on his cheeks. A sick feeling settles in the pit of his stomach, making him wonder if things will ever be the same after tonight. It wont be forgotten, it never was. One of them always remembered.
He lay staring at the ceiling, wondering what he could do. It had really upset him, her claims that he knew nothing of what she had been through when he had been through similar situations. Because he could move forward and act like nothing happened it apparently didn’t affect him.
Drip, drip, drip...
It sounded like the shower needed a new washer. It did this all the time, reminding him of rain, though not as comforting. A fan steadily rotated on the ceiling, casting moving shadows around the room and sending down a soft, cool breeze.
Drip, drip, drip...
This constant noise, interrupting his thoughts, destroying all notions of peace and hope.
Drip, drip, drip...
There is only one thing left to do...
The shower no longer drips but pours. The drain has been plugged and the water is rapidly rising to fill the bathtub. He stands fully clothed, staring down into the crystal clear water. The bath is full. He knows what he has to do.
No air, fighting for breath. Iron bands enclosing on his brain, colours flashing across his eyes, blinding him. The feeling is going, numbed by the cold of the water.
A broken heart does not bleed, it suffocates and stops beating.
He was lying in his bed listening to the shower slowly leaking.
Drip, drip... Creak...
Someone must’ve gotten up and turned it off. He could still hear a slight echo of it in his head, a constant, slow tapping. He rolled over, burying his face in the pillows, wiping off the tears which have settled on his cheeks. A sick feeling settles in the pit of his stomach, making him wonder if things will ever be the same after tonight. It wont be forgotten, it never was. One of them always remembered.
He lay staring at the ceiling, wondering what he could do. It had really upset him, her claims that he knew nothing of what she had been through when he had been through similar situations. Because he could move forward and act like nothing happened it apparently didn’t affect him.
Drip, drip, drip...
It sounded like the shower needed a new washer. It did this all the time, reminding him of rain, though not as comforting. A fan steadily rotated on the ceiling, casting moving shadows around the room and sending down a soft, cool breeze.
Drip, drip, drip...
This constant noise, interrupting his thoughts, destroying all notions of peace and hope.
Drip, drip, drip...
There is only one thing left to do...
The shower no longer drips but pours. The drain has been plugged and the water is rapidly rising to fill the bathtub. He stands fully clothed, staring down into the crystal clear water. The bath is full. He knows what he has to do.
No air, fighting for breath. Iron bands enclosing on his brain, colours flashing across his eyes, blinding him. The feeling is going, numbed by the cold of the water.
A broken heart does not bleed, it suffocates and stops beating.
Published 2nd Mar 2010
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2nd Mar 2010 2:40pm
Your final sentence is fantastic as it is both original and beautiful in a twisted way.
The length gets the message across faster but it makes one question what happened; I for instance hunger for more.
While the story flows, your grammar does not. I'm not trying to be mean or obtrusive but you should try to stick to one tense. For example,
"He rolled over, burying his face in the pillows, wiping off the tears which have settled on his cheeks."
That would have been better as "He rolled over, burying his face in the pillow, wiping off the tears which had settled on his cheeks."
You began with the past tense and should thus end with it. Though changing just that would be a problem as the rest is also in present continuous. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, stick to one tense, it helps the flow.
Great work otherwise. :)
The length gets the message across faster but it makes one question what happened; I for instance hunger for more.
While the story flows, your grammar does not. I'm not trying to be mean or obtrusive but you should try to stick to one tense. For example,
"He rolled over, burying his face in the pillows, wiping off the tears which have settled on his cheeks."
That would have been better as "He rolled over, burying his face in the pillow, wiping off the tears which had settled on his cheeks."
You began with the past tense and should thus end with it. Though changing just that would be a problem as the rest is also in present continuous. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, stick to one tense, it helps the flow.
Great work otherwise. :)
Anonymous
15th Jun 2013 4:31pm
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